Baby, Maybe, Someday

Hi, LJ. So it's been pretty much forever. I've kinda been letting Tumblr monopolize all my internets time. That is not good.

So it's New Years Eve. I'm...not doing anything, as usual. Just going to Josh's. Ever since I went to my one and only GNR concert on New Year's Eve in 2001, this day just hasn't really mattered much. I mean, what can top that, really?

I know it's a little ridiculous to think of 2011 as a new start, 'cause don't we think that every year and nothing particularly changes? But I need 2011 to be different. I don't feel like myself right now. I really feel like I've been more selfish than any other year ever this year. I definitely weigh more than I ever have. And while I acknowledge that parts of this year have been fun, most of that has been superficial fun. While I love that I bonded with people over GNR and followed their every move and followed every single show, that really didn't do anything for my life as a whole. It didn't help me at work or with my social life or anything, it just made me more lazy than ever. I think 2011 will be different just because I had the lazy year, I didn't do much contributing to society, and now it's time to move on. I need to work out more. On days I don't go to Josh's, I need to work out after work. Then I need to write. I want 2011 to be about the two Ws--working out and writing. Yayyy.

Notable events of 2010:
- I bought a house! Well, my dad helped me with this process. But still, I love my house so much, it's so cozy and mine and I love it so much.
- Bummer co-worker informed me that my feet stink. Fun!
- Learned more about photography and used my camera frequently. My dad got me some bad ass camera stuff for Christmas that I look forward to using.
- I interacted frequently with people in the GNR organization via twitter. Yes, that's notable.
- I made some new awesome online friends...while I spent less time with my real life friends.
- Made an interesting twitter friendship with Slash. For a month or two, we talked like every day. I kinda miss that. Slash is adorable.
- Had my 5 year anniversary with Josh...not that it seemed to matter. We didn't fight much at all. He had a lot of health problems, which massively sucked. He's doing a lot better now, but his tooth continues to hurt and we'll probably have to deal with that soon.
- Had a falling out with my brother. This will probably continue at least for a little while, as he's determined to be a selfish buttface. He didn't get anyone Christmas presents this year, not even my mom and he went to Phoenix to see her. He didn't call us at the farm. He didn't thank me for his present, nor did Cody. He didn't do anything to acknowledge anyone in his life. Oh, and he's taking a trip to India in a few weeks. Okay, then. Priorities, gotcha.
- Axl brought Don't Cry back to almost every show during the European and Australian tour. It's been a while since he's done it at every show. I just love this song so much and to see it performed live so often makes me happy.
- I did a shitload of overtime while completely neglecting the gym.
- Watched 6 seasons of Grey's Anatomy in a month.
- Spent way too much money.
- Gained way too much weight.

I don't particularly want to make resolutions, but in 2011, I would like to do things that I didn't do this year. I want to figure out a way to be comfortable with my body so that it'll be easier to lose weight. I want to think about getting a new job. I love my job but I can't caption the Bad Girls Club for the rest of my life. And it would be nice to make more money, if that's even possible in this day and age. Meanwhile, I would like to be more productive at work and also be on time more often. Just before my boss doesn't seem to care when we show up, I realize it's unprofessional to show up 20 minutes late every day. I want to work out harder than ever and I want to spend less time on the computer, unless it includes writing, because ultimately I want my life to be more about writing. I want to learn more about photography and use my camera more. Maybe take a class or enter some contests. My relationship...I don't even know. I need to work on my stuff and I think ultimately that will make the relationship stronger. Or not. If there is a GNR US tour, I want to pursue that but I don't want to go broke doing so. Even though I totally would if it meant seeing Axl live as many times as possible.

Most of all I want to come to peace with my choices and my life. I always feel so defensive about everything. I don't want to defend my relationship anymore. It is what it is, it's not perfect, and none of my romantic relationships are really destined to be perfect. So just deal with that. I want to stop hating my body. I want to stop being so insecure. I want to learn how to be genuinely happy for people instead of thinking about how their happiness affects me. I want to be a better friend. Be less selfish. Eat less burritos.

So. Yeah. I'm done now. Thanks for listening. I genuinely hope you guys have a lovely and peaceful New Year's and 2011 is everything you want it to be. I am so glad I have you all in my life and I'll try to be a better LJ friend, 'cause y'all rock. Happy new year!

I'm going to rant here now. It's probably going to contain a lot of expletives.

I went to Austin this weekend. I had a good time, like I usually do. My brother's house is nice, and I love his dogs and his boyfriend is pretty much my BFF. We got pedicures, saw a movie, ate some Mexican food. I hung out with Natalie, who is lovely and amazing. The one thing that sucked? During lunch on Saturday, my brother wanted to tell me what he thinks of my life. That is: he thinks I'm too fat to live.

I realize I'm at my highest weight ever. I also realize I wasn't exactly watching what I ate while I was in Austin. I didn't think that meant my brother was going to go all judgmental asshole on me. But no, he wanted me to know that he's concerned and that I should probably do something with my life. What does he want me to do? He wants me to go to a weight loss center. In Vermont. For a month. Which he told me today in an email. No concern about missing work for a month. No concern for how he wants me to go at the end of October, just a week after I've moved into my new house. No concern, I don't know, for anything?

So I emailed him back and I said no. I don't want to fucking doing do that. I don't want to leave my job, my house, my boyfriend, my friends for a whole month just because he thinks I'm too fat; just so it will make him feel better about my life. No, I'm not doing that. And you know what he said? This judgmental piece of shit said:

Okay. I won’t ask again.
But until you agree to do this, I won’t speak with you, and I won’t see you.
I cannot sit by and watch you kill yourself.
And I won’t. Kill yourself without me being a part of your life.

And the jackhole de-friended me on Facebook! MY OWN BROTHER. My HOMOSEXUAL brother that I have supported since the day he told me he was gay. I defended him to my dad. To my mom. I supported him in his dark times. I never told him to go fuck himself. I never shut the door on him when he had his own issues. I love his boyfriend. In fact, if Cody stops talking to me, I'll be sadder about that than my brother not talking to me.

It's just...he's so much like my dad, it's not even funny. He's tried to distance himself from my dad only to come full circle to be just like him. He thinks throwing money at a problem is going to solve it. He thinks that not talking to me is going to make me think, "OH YES ROBERT, TAKE ME TO VERMONT FOR A MONTH WHILE I ABANDON EVERYTHING IMPORTANT TO ME, THAT INTERESTS ME!" What a fucking dickward douchenozzle piece of shithead.

So I said this:
I think that's a pretty shitty and judgmental thing to do. You can un-add me on Facebook if it makes you feel better, but I hope you realize that you're not doing something good here. After all the times I've stood up for you to Dad, after all the cheerleading and support I've given you through some hard times, I hope sometimes you'll wake up and feel like shit. Because this is wrong. And maybe I'll just go ahead and lose weight just to spite you, because it's so fucking wrong.

Have a nice life.

He hasn't had anything to say to that so far. It's not that big of a deal, I guess. He was going to come down here in October to see my house. Probably not anymore. The next thing is on Christmas when we're going to Phoenix with my mom. Maybe he would have seen the error of his ways by that time, or maybe I'll be asking Cody to tell him to pass me the mashed potatoes. Whatever.

Of course it bothers me. Of course it makes me sad and angry and frustrated. Of course it hurts my feelings. He's my brother. He's supposed to support me, not shut me out of his life because I'm fat. Dear F-list, tell me if I'm in the wrong here. Tell me what you think of what he's doing. The thing is, I know he's doing it because his psychiatrist probably told him it was the best thing for me. And that just pisses me off even more. So yeah...tell me what you think here, I'm genuinely curious what my LJ friends have to say.

In other news, here's a short story: this morning I tweeted Axl, as I normally do even though he's had twitter since December and never replied to a single person, and I said if they played Don't Cry in Romania today, I'd adopt a puppy and name it Axl. Just for funsies. They haven't played Don't Cry since St. Petersberg, which was on June 6th. Well, guess what? They played it today. The guitar dude started playing it in his solo, then Axl joined in with vocals, and then the rest of the band played the rest. I HAVE to see this. I hope some kind Romanian individual recorded this, because I NEED it in my life. And regarding the puppy...I may donate $25 to the SPCA or something, 'cause I can't exactly get a puppy at this point in my life. So yeah. WHERE IS DON'T CRY I NEEEEED IT!!

That is all.

What up, friend pals? I just saw on the GNR forum that I frequent that thanks to one of the guitarists for GNR, they are giving away a backstage pass for the tour in Canada. OMG WHY DON'T I LIVE IN CANADA?! I just looked at flights for funsies, the cheapest is $1,400. And I don't even have a passport. akfljasdkjfaskdjfa.

Anyway. I am stealing this from my friend and yours nanci_raygun. That's right, it's a fucking DECADE IN REVIEW!!

2000 - I was 20, a junior in college at the University of North Texas. I had a boyfriend. I didn't do much but go to class, follow my boyfriend around, and obsess over finding a home for my doggie Charlie. I was a mess at this time, seriously. I could barely do anything for myself and I depended on my mom and my boyfriend a lot. I got into a car accident and while I had no transportation, I read like every single Baby-Sitters Club book ever. When I was 20.

I had a lot of issues with Matt, the boyfriend, at the time, too. If I told you the things he got away with in this relationship...I WAS SO STUPID. I should have dumped his ass years before that, but I was just an idiot. One good thing was all the road trips. We went on these 2 week-long road trips all over the country as much as we could. At least there was that. We went to Vegas for the first time on New Year's that year and stayed at the Luxor. I only found out a few days later (a blackjack dealer in California told me, it was really kind of bizarre, actually) that RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET at Mandalay Bay, Guns N Roses had their first concert since 1993. I was heartbroken.

Oh, and I forgot: I got into church that year, too. I had a 37 year old roommate in my dorm room who was very religious, and she took me to church with her. I found a connection there, it was something I really needed at the time. That's how I met Natalie (who, by the by, texted me yesterday wanting to know what BON JOVI song she wanted to listen to in my car last time we hung out...she meant GN'R. This hurt my soul.) and how I made most of my college friends.

( This got so much longer than I intended... )

Hi, friends. It is Sunday night. I'm watching as many Rescue Me episodes as I can, 'cause I have a ton of them on my DVR. And I spent the day at the races with my dad, where I finally won more money than I ever have at the good old track. I'll just go ahead and tell you guys - on ONE race, I won $288. I was so happy, you don't even know. And my dad was happy for me. I think a little proud, too.

( Other assorted things... )

So today I woke up to a rooster crowing in Josh's backyard. He's had chickens back there for a while (for the eggs, apparently?) and he mentioned to me last night, "Hey, we have a rooster now." I was like...oookkay. And then when I woke up this morning, there it was.

"Cockadoodle doooo!" said the rooster. "STFU," I said.

Anyway.

Not much going on the past couple of days. I went to the farm on Saturday and had to stay for longer than 45 minutes this time. I missed my doggie terribly. I missed him when we were having dinner and I didn't have a little redhead staring up at me while I ate. I used to give him half of what was on my plate because I knew it made him happy. Ahhh, Charlie.

We had a tiny little service for my cousin's dog and Charlie on Saturday afternoon. I wasn't really sure how that was going to be, but it ended up being sort of lovely. It was overcast and windy and quiet, and I cried like a bitch. I didn't think I would, but I did anyway because he was my good boy and now he's gone. Also my dad got these little gravestones made that had a similar looking dog to Charlie engraved on it, which just got me going good. It was a nice little ceremony, but then 3 different people at 3 different times said, "Well, at least you got closure." Yeah, whatever. If I've learned anything over the years, it's that closure is bullshit. Closure is what happens when you let yourself move on, not when some dumbass ceremony says you're supposed to have closure.

Moving on! Since my cousin took my usual room at the farm, I had to share a room with my dad's lady friend's friend, who snored like a gorilla. I did not get a lot of sleep that night.

I am getting frustrated with the amount of working out I'm doing lately. It's getting closer to summer and I'm freaking out a little about the state of my body. I want to wear shorts. I want to wear tank tops. These things are not going to happen, but it's really not because I'm only working out 3 or 4 times a week. It's because I'm having a Steak, Egg and Cheese bagel for breakfast. I KNOW in my brains that on days I don't work out, I need to eat less, and on days I do work out, I can be a little bad but not McDonald's kind of bad. I sabotage myself. I don't know why.

Those of you who work out, how often do you do it? Are you satisfied with that amount? I've just always found it a challenge to fit in Josh, working out and doing overtime during the week and I've never been able to figure out a satisfying way of doing so, not even in the 3 years we've been together.

I would like to share other happier things today but I guess I don't have happy time thoughts for this morning. Hmm. Happy things:
- Josh is lovely and looks hot in hats
- It rained awesomely last night
- My iPhone is the best thing ever invented
- Horse racing season is about to start
- I might get a new Altima soon
- I am catching up on Life and realizing why I love that show very much
- I love working out
- That is all.

Ooh, also we just obtained Guitar Hero Metallica and while I kind of suck at it, I don't completely suck. Also I enjoy Metallica and like that they have stood the test of time, and wish that my one and only Guns N Roses could have only done the same.

That is all.

More interview-y stuff, this time from mingsmommy.

1) No consequences, one night stand with Axl Rose...no one ever knows unless you tell them...are you going to do it?
I have 2 words for you: Hell. Yes.

I know, I know. I have a boyfriend. I would be just a groupie, a number, a notch on his bedpost. It would be slutty. LALALALA. I know all these things and more, but if I am in a situation with Axl where this would be a possibility, I'm pretty sure things like "morals" and "common sense" would be forgotten. I've loved the man for a long, long time, and if I have the opportunity to, uh, get to know him better, I'm taking it.

( Moar )

In other news, I know y'all are getting tired of me talking about my arms, but seriously, last night I think I broke records with the strength training. I can do some serious weights. And I am definitely proud of that but I have no real idea if it's working or not because I can't see the muscles under all the fat. Sooo frustrating.

Also, I'm working on Ghost Whisperer today and I just love this show so very much. I love where they're going with this season. It's kind of heartbreaking and tragic and beautiful in a very guilty pleasure kind of way. I've been trying to write fanfic for this show for almost a year but for some reason, it just never happens. Maybe I'll work on that tonight.

I've also stopped watching the West Wing. I'm nearing the end of season 5 and I just don't have the will to continue. Someone tell me it gets better, please. Because I just have no urge to keep watching but I really want to see what happens to everyone, like how CJ and Danny and also Donna and Josh get together.

Okay, yeah, I definitely need to work now.

Josh made fajitas for dinner. He is forgiven. Although I had two of them, along with his famous guacamole, and I just want so much more of it. I want like 10 more. And I'm like almost depressed that I can't eat more of it. It just tastes so good! ARGHH. Self control effin sucks. Just sayin'.

Also, I think it is exceptionally cool that everyone showed up for Billy's star thing. Even Jorja, squee! He's not even on the show anymore and all his peers came to support him. That warms the cockles of my dark, black heart.


I want more guacamole.

So I went to 7-11 tonight to use the ATM. Then, like I do, I bought some lottery tickets. And then this exchange happened:

Clerk: Are you pregnant?
Me: No.
Clerk: Oh, you aren't pregnant?
Me: No.
Clerk: Are you sure you're not pregnant?
Me: Yes.
Clerk: Because you look like you're pregnant.
Me: OMG WOMAN I'M ON A DIET! (not exactly verbatim)
Clerk: Oh, well, you look like you're pregnant.

I just don't get it. Why? Why did she want me to be pregnant so very badly? One time was bad enough, but she just kept asking me over and over and over. And again, it's always the African American ladies that ask me this question. I do not understand. I don't like it. It makes me want to go home and order 3 pizzas. Of course I have my weigh-in tomorrow so that's not going to happen. But Jesus, lady! I'm not pregnant! In fact, I'm pretty sure that at some point in the next 24 hours, that thing that happens when you're definitely not pregnant will be happening in my life.

It's just so frustrating. And I will be skipping dinner tonight.

I'm about to go on vacation for 4 days, my co-workers decorated my cubicle with streamers and reeses peanut butter cups since I won't be here on my birthday, and it's CSI day finally! Wheee! I've been trying to avoid spoilers but all the stuff that's come out in the past couple of days make me all excited-happy for what we're going to see tonight. SARA HURRY BACK OMG!!!

Robert David Hall (Doc Robbins!) was on the radio show I listen to this morning. At first it was like, wow, you couldn't get David the assistant coroner or something? But he was a really good interview and quite an interesting guy, so that was fun.

Also, I, uh, gained 2.5 pounds according to Jenny this morning. But whatevs, I will overcome. Just not today.

Also:
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now (even if we don't speak often or ever) please post a comment with a completely made up, fictional memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - but it has to be fake.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your LJ and see what your friends come up with.

- Yesterday I got a completely random raise that I wasn't expecting at all. We were all under the impression that the company is in such dire straights, none of us would be getting raises any time soon. Instead, me and another co-worker got one! It's about $28 more a paycheck, plus my overtime pay is like a bajillion dollars an hour. To me, anyway.

It was somewhat soured by finding out weird news about overtime pay and how if there's a holiday during a week where you do overtime, the overtime doesn't count. Or something, it still hurts my brain to think about. Also, my BFF co-worker hasn't had a raise in 2 years and had a little bit of a deserved meltdown about it. So that sucks. But yay raise!

- Josh and I are now into Entourage. We watched the first 4 episodes last night and I want to watch every season all the time. It's nice for him to actually enjoy a show that doesn't involve aliens or outer space or creatures or nuclear attacks for once, so that we can watch something together. My pop culture infatuation enjoys all the random celebrity appearances this show has to offer. Plus, there's pretty boys and cars and LA scenery to keep me occupied.

- Not doing well on the diet for the past couple of days, and not working out either. I plan to change this, but I always plan to change it, so who knows.

- I have become enamored with the LJ feature where you can see the friends list of your friends. I actually stumbled across a co-workers LJ that way. I feel dirty.

- That is all.