Baby, Maybe, Someday

Hi, LJ. So it's been pretty much forever. I've kinda been letting Tumblr monopolize all my internets time. That is not good.

So it's New Years Eve. I'm...not doing anything, as usual. Just going to Josh's. Ever since I went to my one and only GNR concert on New Year's Eve in 2001, this day just hasn't really mattered much. I mean, what can top that, really?

I know it's a little ridiculous to think of 2011 as a new start, 'cause don't we think that every year and nothing particularly changes? But I need 2011 to be different. I don't feel like myself right now. I really feel like I've been more selfish than any other year ever this year. I definitely weigh more than I ever have. And while I acknowledge that parts of this year have been fun, most of that has been superficial fun. While I love that I bonded with people over GNR and followed their every move and followed every single show, that really didn't do anything for my life as a whole. It didn't help me at work or with my social life or anything, it just made me more lazy than ever. I think 2011 will be different just because I had the lazy year, I didn't do much contributing to society, and now it's time to move on. I need to work out more. On days I don't go to Josh's, I need to work out after work. Then I need to write. I want 2011 to be about the two Ws--working out and writing. Yayyy.

Notable events of 2010:
- I bought a house! Well, my dad helped me with this process. But still, I love my house so much, it's so cozy and mine and I love it so much.
- Bummer co-worker informed me that my feet stink. Fun!
- Learned more about photography and used my camera frequently. My dad got me some bad ass camera stuff for Christmas that I look forward to using.
- I interacted frequently with people in the GNR organization via twitter. Yes, that's notable.
- I made some new awesome online friends...while I spent less time with my real life friends.
- Made an interesting twitter friendship with Slash. For a month or two, we talked like every day. I kinda miss that. Slash is adorable.
- Had my 5 year anniversary with Josh...not that it seemed to matter. We didn't fight much at all. He had a lot of health problems, which massively sucked. He's doing a lot better now, but his tooth continues to hurt and we'll probably have to deal with that soon.
- Had a falling out with my brother. This will probably continue at least for a little while, as he's determined to be a selfish buttface. He didn't get anyone Christmas presents this year, not even my mom and he went to Phoenix to see her. He didn't call us at the farm. He didn't thank me for his present, nor did Cody. He didn't do anything to acknowledge anyone in his life. Oh, and he's taking a trip to India in a few weeks. Okay, then. Priorities, gotcha.
- Axl brought Don't Cry back to almost every show during the European and Australian tour. It's been a while since he's done it at every show. I just love this song so much and to see it performed live so often makes me happy.
- I did a shitload of overtime while completely neglecting the gym.
- Watched 6 seasons of Grey's Anatomy in a month.
- Spent way too much money.
- Gained way too much weight.

I don't particularly want to make resolutions, but in 2011, I would like to do things that I didn't do this year. I want to figure out a way to be comfortable with my body so that it'll be easier to lose weight. I want to think about getting a new job. I love my job but I can't caption the Bad Girls Club for the rest of my life. And it would be nice to make more money, if that's even possible in this day and age. Meanwhile, I would like to be more productive at work and also be on time more often. Just before my boss doesn't seem to care when we show up, I realize it's unprofessional to show up 20 minutes late every day. I want to work out harder than ever and I want to spend less time on the computer, unless it includes writing, because ultimately I want my life to be more about writing. I want to learn more about photography and use my camera more. Maybe take a class or enter some contests. My relationship...I don't even know. I need to work on my stuff and I think ultimately that will make the relationship stronger. Or not. If there is a GNR US tour, I want to pursue that but I don't want to go broke doing so. Even though I totally would if it meant seeing Axl live as many times as possible.

Most of all I want to come to peace with my choices and my life. I always feel so defensive about everything. I don't want to defend my relationship anymore. It is what it is, it's not perfect, and none of my romantic relationships are really destined to be perfect. So just deal with that. I want to stop hating my body. I want to stop being so insecure. I want to learn how to be genuinely happy for people instead of thinking about how their happiness affects me. I want to be a better friend. Be less selfish. Eat less burritos.

So. Yeah. I'm done now. Thanks for listening. I genuinely hope you guys have a lovely and peaceful New Year's and 2011 is everything you want it to be. I am so glad I have you all in my life and I'll try to be a better LJ friend, 'cause y'all rock. Happy new year!

There's a lot of stuff I need to change about my life. And I need to do it soon.

Yesterday I was ready to write an entry complaining about this, being all "woe is me, booo." But I had a nice evening at Josh's last night. We had steak. We watched 2, yes, 2 movies together. Hot Tub Time Machine is quite possibly the funniest movie I've ever seen, btw. We had some quality sexy times. And we cuddled puppies. It did a lot for my mood, but it doesn't change the fact that there are some things in my life that need immediate attention.

A. My weight. Obviously. It's the highest it's EVER been and my cravings are out of control. But that is not an excuse. I have control over my own thoughts, and I can do this. I don't want to eat healthy, but I HAVE to. I'm getting older, my weight is hindering me in many ways, and I just have to do something about it and just stop giving into the voice inside my head that says, "Who cares? I can be fat forever, who cares?" Yeah. That's not a good voice.

B. My money situation is shitty. We've been slow at work and I haven't been able to do much overtime, which sucks the big one for my paychecks. It's hard to be a sugar mama when there ain't no sugar. I've got a lot of debt that I can't seem to pay off, and it won't get paid off as long as there's no overtime. I got my taxes in late, so hopefully I'll get some money from that. If I don't, I'm going to ask my brother again to help me with my credit card bill. I'd rather owe him money than the credit card companies. I think.

Also, I have a $300 red light ticket that I have to pay and I can't right now, not for another 2 weeks. So technically I have a warrant for my arrest right now. Don't tell anybody.

All that ties in with...

C. I need a higher paying job. I love my job. I love that I have worked on Criminal Minds for DVD and Cocktail, yes, the one with Tom Cruise, today. Where else would I get to work on that? I also watched a very hot and intense sex scene on General Hospital that will air in a few days. How else would I know what happens ahead of time on GH if I get another job? I mean, come on.

But I've been here 5 years, there's really no room for advancement, I make shit money, and I need more challenges. It's time to consider moving on. The thought makes me way too nervous and I can't think about it for too long before I start to panic. But I want to at least be considering getting a new job by the end of the year, 'cause...I can't do this forever. I need my next challenge, my next group of strange co-workers, my next new thing to massively screw up in my own way. By the way, Bummer Co-worker? She's just so fucking weird. But we all know that.

D. My relationship. It's awesome perhaps 50% of the time. The other 50% is spent wondering WTF is going on and what will happen in the future. But I've covered this, so yeah...moving on.

E. I HAVE to write something. I need to be creative, I need to get words out into the universe. But I haven't been, and there is something very wrong with that.

I need to handle these things. I can't not handle them anymore. It's time to put the big girl pants on, for realsies.

In other news:
- If you're a fan of Dante/Lulu on General Hospital, just watch this week. Things are going to get majorly intense. Just sayin'.
- I have kinda broken up with Slash, although to break up with someone, they have to know/care that you're doing it. It's kind of a "I know you're losing interest so I'm pulling the plug first" kind of deal. He's still nice enough to answer me when I pursue conversations, but I can tell he's not into it. So I will give it a break and perhaps try to conversate with him at a later time.
- I have stepped up my mission to get Axl to reply to me on Twitter. I don't know why this is so important to me. It just is. And I have faith that someday it will happen for me.
- I need more friends. Friends who give a shit. Friends who want to hang out more than 3 times a year. That would be awesome and amazing.
- I've been listening to an AM Sports radio station for the past 11 years. No, I don't really give a shit about sports, but my friend introduced me to it and I've been hooked ever since. I just love everyone's personalities, really. They're so comfortable and familiar. Anyway, I've been really into it lately and I love them more than usual. I wish I knew someone, ANYONE, who also cared about this station. It's one of the most popular in the country, but none of my friends know anything about it. Phhttt.
- I am obsessed with the song "Princes of the Universe" by Queen.
- CSI, seasons 2, 3 and 4, are massively appealing to me these days. Also last season of Ghost Whisperer, because I am a sucker for the whole love trumps death situation.
- I love burritos, Last.FM, peanut butter, popcorn, Civil Twilight, and dogs.
- That is all.

Rock on.

- This picture will never fail to make me oh so happy:



Any time I need a little bit of happiness, I will look at it and be...happy. I found it at my new favorite place of cuteness. Good times.

- I am developing intense girl crushes on both Kathy Griffin and Lady Gaga. As for Kathy, I think her sense of humor may be a little bit over the top (I watched part of her last appearance on Larry King, man it was hard to watch some of that) but watching her show on Bravo makes me feel real empathy for her. The woman works her ass off and has shitty luck with her love life. I feel that, bro. And Lady Gaga? I just think the world needs Lady Gaga like it needed Madonna in the eighties. Just sayin'.

- Josh is always introducing me to the most awesome TV shows I'd never discover on my own. Northern Exposure, Entourage, Defying Gravity (cancelled! *sniff*), the 4400...and now there is an awesome reality show called Pawn Stars. It's like a trashy version of Antiques Roadshow. I watched 6 episodes in a row last night and I'm craving more. It's always a guy who thinks he's going to get $800 for his Civil War gun and instead only gets, like, $50. I just love it so much.

- I don't think I've been good about replying to comments lately. I'll do better.

- Last week I didn't work out at all, after having worked out 6 days in a row. But I made it back to the gym yesterday, and I count that as a minor victory. At least I didn't wait a month before going back. It's been known to happen. Eating is still terrible, but we'll get there.

- I don't want to be 30. T minus 11 days.

- My mom will be here next Tuesday! I am glad she'll be here for my birthday, although that is mainly because her brother is having surgery. But yay, still, 'cause mommy!

- I miss Axl and I'm getting excited about the dates in Japan in December. I hope it all works out. Axl needs his fans and we need him, damn it.

- The weather is lovely lately.

- More early overtime. I actually like waking up early, when it's still dark. You can actually see stars in the sky at that time! Although getting out of Josh's bed this morning and uncuddling 2 warm Boston Terriers did suck. A lot.

- That is all.

I was pondering something today. It's definitely related to my "OMG I'M 29!" freaking out problem.

My mom is coming in today from Utah. I am somewhat of an obsessive comparer--I'm always looking back on past entries of my journals to see what I was doing one year ago, 3 years ago, 5 years ago...and I thought about what is different this year than when she came at exactly the same time last year. And the conclusion is: pretty much nothing, except I am one year closer to 30.

I did lose 16 pounds on Jenny. Gained most of it back, though. I have worked out more hardcore, but not really in the past month. I've written some more fanfic, wrote a decent novel for Nano, cultivated relationships with my friends, gone through another year with Josh...but it's a sad thought to think that I have not done much to change the things I feel need to be changed, and instead everything is pretty much exactly the same. I just remember when she was here last year, thinking that next year would be different and I would have changed things.

I'm not sure I'm even any smarter or wiser. I do get to enjoy reading pointless celebrity Twitter thoughts (yay, Trent Reznor posted a picture of his greyhound! Wow, Josh Malina seems to have low self-esteem!), and my iPhone is a spectacular distraction when I'm in traffic or in the bathroom. But as far as knowing more things and figuring out the answers on my own, well, I don't know about all that.

I should let this be something to encourage me, to get my motor running, instead of depress me and make me eat a plate full of chips and guacamole.