Since I met You - chapter 13
Jul. 18th, 2007 08:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lizwontcryTitle: Since I Met You - Chapter 13
Author: Butliz
Rating: Teen - some bad language in this one. It's Brass, what do you expect?
Spoilers: Everything through 7x24
Disclaimer: I so don't own them.
Summary: Sara's mother is sick, and Sara feels like she's finally ready to face the past. But how will that effect her future? A look at Sara and Grissom's past, present and future. As always, thanks to the tireless beta-ness of GSFanatic.
Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12
A/N- A special thanks to GSFanatic for the beta, and for staying up ridiculously late to beta this chapter. That's dedication!
And just so we all know: Las Vegas in the summer is hot. Like, significantly more hotter then any other place could possibly be. It is the desert, after all.
And here is Chapter 13. Enjoy, please.
Vegas, year five
"So, Sara, your year of counseling is almost over. Do you think you've made some progress since we started together?"
Pamela was Sara's PEAP counselor. Sara agreed to take a few months off from work and see a counselor for at least 6 months, but she found the counseling so beneficial she told Pamela she'd see her for a year. She was definitely hesitant to talk to this woman in the beginning, but she found that talking to a total stranger was actually quite refreshing. Sara told Pamela things she would never tell anyone, and felt an immediate release after she talked about it.
"Well, I think my outburst with Catherine and almost subsequent firing by Ecklie didn't go so well, but other than that, I think it's been a good year. I do feel better about things. I mean, last year was awful, there was nowhere to go but up."
"Why do you think this year was better?" Pamela asked her. "Do you think it has something to do with taking on a mentoring role with Mr. Sanders?"
Sara smiled. She didn't really think of herself as a mentor, but she did get a lot of satisfaction out of giving advice to Greg. He really was turning out to be a very efficient, if not a somewhat absentminded, CSI. She knew he looked up to her, and that was a major factor in her growth this year.
"Yeah, Greg is awesome. He's really doing well, and I do like to think I have been some part of that. I like helping him. I like watching him grow into a good investigator. And his friendship is becoming very valuable to me, too. We even hang out off the clock now, just the two of us."
Pamela raised her eyebrows ever so slightly, so slightly that Sara wouldn't have noticed if she wasn't looking at her carefully.
"Oh, well, is that something we should talk about?"
Sara considered the question. In fact, she'd been considering the question with more frequency over the last year, but she always came to the same conclusion: she had no urge to go there with Greg. A few situations had occurred during their social outings that could lead to other things, but when Sara really looked deep into her heart, there was nothing romantic about her feelings for her younger colleague. It was a shame. It would have made things so much easier.
"No. We're just friends. I enjoy spending time with him, really, that's all."
"Hmm. I understand, since you never seem to take your mind too far from your supervisor."
And there it was. Sara tried to avoid that subject as much as possible, but Pamela was no fool. As soon as the word "Grissom" came out of Sara's mouth the first time, Pamela was instantly on to her. She asked so many leading questions about it, one day Sara finally had to say, "Okay, yes, I have feelings for Grissom. I moved here for Grissom. I wish things could be different for us, but they aren't and it seems they never will be."
Instead of the smirk Sara was expecting, Pamela only looked back at her with concern obvious in her eyes.
"Do you think maybe it was a little...irresponsible of you to come to Vegas only because you had feelings for someone who would have power over you?"
Well, Sara certainly hadn't been expecting that question. She never really thought about it in those terms, either.
"Honestly? I don't know anymore. I'd like to think I didn't just move here for him; that I wanted to further my career and work on different cases. But I could have done that in California."
They continued that line of questioning for a long time, in many different sessions. Back in the present day, Sara smiled when Pamela brought Grissom up. She'd been smiling a lot more than usual lately.
"You're smiling, Sara. I like that. Tell me more about what happened at the mental hospital. How did you feel when he was trying to get the attendant to unlock the door when the inmate was attacking you?"
Just a week or two before, Sara and Grissom were investigating a case at the mental institution. Grissom walked away to look for something and left Sara in the nurse's station. A patient, Adam Trent, attacked her with a dagger he made in art class. She was terrified, of course, but she also knew she'd be okay. Grissom was there. He would save her. He'd make it right, just like he always did. It was the only thing that kept her sane during the attack. Even when he was looking through the door, helpless, terror showing clearly in his blue eyes, she knew it was all going to be okay.
When the chaos settled down and they arrived safely back at the lab, Sara stopped by his office before she left for the day, something that was becoming routine. He smiled when she stopped by and said, "Go home and get some rest. If you need to, take tomorrow off. I understand how being attacked like that could shake up a person." Sara wondered briefly if he was referring to her or himself.
"I'm okay. Thank you for your...concern."
He nodded, and she was about to turn around leave but something stopped her. He looked like he wanted to say something, something she didn't want to miss.
And he did. "Sara, I was worried about you in there. I'm still worried. Worried AND concerned. If Adam Trent wanted to, he could have...well, it could have been worse. It scared me. And I'm glad you're okay."
Was that emotion coming from her boss? Actually, Sara wasn't that surprised. Ever since he came to her apartment and she told him, finally, about her past, he had been very careful around her. It was maddening and yet weirdly refreshing at the same time.
"He told me he was worried about me," Sara told Pamela. "And it was nice. I didn't do what I've done for so many years now and misinterpret it as romantic. He wants to be my friend, so that's what I'm doing - letting him be my friend. It's like once I decided that the chance for us to get involved romantically was long gone, our friendship has gotten so much stronger. And I really value that. It's become very important to me."
"Have you asked yourself what you would do if the chance for romance did present itself?" Pamela asked.
"Well, yeah. I mean, of course. A few months ago, when I apologized to him for saying some things to Ecklie that I probably shouldn't have, I don't know...I kind of told him that he had always been more of a boss to me. I told him that was why I moved to Vegas. And he just looked at me. Stared at me, really. With that same confused look he's been giving me for 5 straight years. But then he started to say something. He wanted to say something. What he actually said was, and this is verbatim, 'Look, let's, uh...' and then he stopped."
"What did you think he was going to say?" Pamela asked.
"I think he was going to maybe suggest we get together some time! But I didn't know if he was going to say it out of pity or what, so I saved him. I told him we had our post PEAP counseling session and make sure to document it for Ecklie. If something does ever happen, and believe me, I'm not holding my breath...I don't want it to be out of pity. I want it to be genuine. I want it to be real."
"That makes sense to me," Pamela said, nodding.
"Things have been strange since Ecklie split up the team. I don't see Nick and Warrick much, which is sad. And Sofia is on our team, too. Yeah, um, Sofia."
She knew Sofia and Grissom went to dinner. It was soaring through the grapevine on hyperspeed. How many times, she didn't know. She tried not to care, but she did. It was more the fact that she always thought Grissom never made the next move because he was scared of the consequences for his career, but the fact that he was practically dating Sofia seemed to show that wasn't really the issue.
"It's hard sometimes, you know? Because on one hand I'm over it. I value our friendship and I've definitely come to terms that it'll never be more than that. I'm working a lot with Greg, I'm doing yoga again, I'm cooking more, trying to work less. But then sometimes I'll have these dreams, and I'll wake up thinking about him, and it stays with me all day. It's just frustrating."
Pamela nodded and took some notes. It used to drive Sara crazy how Pamela would silently take notes in her little black notebook. But when she asked Pamela about it during their fourth or fifth session, Pamela smiled and actually showed Sara what she wrote down. It didn't say, 'is psychotic, needs to be admitted immediately to mental hospital.' Pamela was just writing what Sara told her, nothing else. This gave Sara some relief, anyway.
"We don't have a lot of time left, but I do have one more question. You mentioned once that when he came to check on you after the confrontation with your coworker, things were different. How are they different? I'm really asking out of curiosity, actually."
Sara thought about how surprised she was to see him standing at her door. She was sure he was there to fire her, but he only wanted to understand her. After all these years of trying not to slip up, mention anything about her past, to finally let it all out and tell Grissom where she came from, why she let cases affect her more than usual sometimes...it was a great relief. And when he took her hand, she knew he understood. And she was more grateful then he would ever know.
"He's nicer. He's more friendly. He doesn't avoid me. We actually talk now instead of grunt at each other in the hallways. It's been nice."
Pamela nodded again. She nodded a lot.
"Well, Sara, I have to tell you, when you came to me nearly a year ago, I have to say there were many things we needed to cover before I felt like we could make progress. But let me tell you - you have. I think that confrontation with your coworker was needed, actually. I think you'd been holding it in for a long time, and once it happened, once you talked to your supervisor about it...I think it was cathartic for you. And I think this next year will be even better, even if I don't get to see your progress on a weekly basis.”
Sara thanked her and walked away smiling. She was proud of the progress she made this year. And even though she did still have romantic feelings for Gil Grissom, she was pretty sure she understood how things were going to work around here. Things were better with them now. He was her friend, her mentor, her boss. They had a mutual respect. They also had a lot of things left unsaid between them, but that was how it was always going to be, and that was okay. Sara felt like she had come to terms with the fact that they just weren't meant to be. It was disappointing, but she understood. She felt like she had a very good understanding of the situation, in fact. But that was until Nicky was kidnapped, and everything changed.
_____________________________
A few weeks earlier
It was the kind of day when all he wanted to do was go home and drink some Scotch, and that was what Gil Grissom was about to do. Just a few hours earlier, he watched as a very mentally disturbed man nearly killed Sara Sidle. Yes, there was going to be some Scotch involved in this day.
There was a knock on his door. What now? He thought bitterly.
Before he could say "Come in," Jim Brass came blowing through his office, a very smug look on his face.
"Oh, God, what is it now, Jim? I sent everyone home, and that's where I'm about to go myself."
"Gil, you're a dumbass. You are a dumb son of a bitch. I don't think people tell you that enough, so I've taken it upon myself to tell you."
Grissom stared at Jim Brass for an uncomfortably long time.
"You know what I just heard? I heard you took Sofia out for dinner. Can you be any more of a dumbass then that?"
"Jim, that was months ago. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't discuss that with you anyway."
Jim's face softened, and he had a sudden feeling of sympathy for his friend.
"I heard what happened to Sara today, too. Come on, come to Joe's with me. You look like you need a drink or five."
Grissom was too tired to protest, so he let Jim take him to his favorite watering hole. He knew there was no chance for sleep any time soon, anyway, and he almost welcomed the opportunity to talk to his old friend over a glass of good Scotch.
After they ordered and had their first taste of the drinks, Jim said, "I have to know - have you seen Sofia again after going to dinner with her?"
Gil sighed somewhat impatiently. He wasn't used to defending his actions to anyone.
"Jim, look, she's a part of my team and she was concerned about her job. I took her to dinner because she needed someone to talk to. And, no, I have not seen her socially since then. And by the way, how does that make me a dumbass?"
Jim looked at him thoughtfully.
"How did you feel when that nutcase had that whatever it was, the sharp thing, on Sara's neck? How did it make you feel to see Sara in such a vulnerable position? What was it like to almost see her murdered, and you couldn't do anything about it but stand there and watch?"
"Jesus, Jim! I didn't know you had such a flair for the dramatics!"
They both sipped their Scotch, thinking.
"Well? How did it feel?" Jim asked, refusing to give up on the conversation.
"It felt ridiculously awful. It felt like I was watching my own death take place. He really could have killed her, Jim. She's a strong girl and she would have taken him down if she could, and eventually she did. But he could have killed her. He could have...taken her away from me."
Jim started at him, nearly speechless.
"Wow. And you're not even drunk yet. I thought we'd have to drink 2 or 3 bottles before you said something like that."
"I'm just tired of it, Jim. I'm tired of this dance Sara and I have been doing together for so many years now, and I know you understand. I know you were there when I went on my diatribe with Dr. Lurie. You're not an idiot, you knew what I was talking about."
Jim nodded.
"Yes, of course I knew. I knew since you brought her to Vegas. Everyone else around here may be clueless when it comes to you, but I never have been. So when I heard about you and Sofia, I just didn't understand."
Gil thought about Sofia. She was attractive and intelligent. She was an excellent CSI. And she made good company. But he knew his feelings for her would never be close to what he felt for Sara.
He also remembered the conversation he had with Greg a few months ago. They were talking about being open-minded, and Greg asked Gil what he liked, what got his juices flowing. Gil surprised himself by saying, "Someone who doesn't judge me." And the only person he was thinking of at the time was Sara. While she may have been frustrated with him at times, he felt like she never judged him. And that was more of a turn on then anything else could ever be.
"I would definitely be lying if I said I didn't...consider...Sofia. She's not as complicated as Sara. It would be easier, I suppose. But that was only a fleeting thought, Jim. When it comes down to it, it's either Sara or nobody else at all."
They sat back and drank silently for a few minutes, contemplating this interesting confession Gil Grissom finally made. It was a big step for him, and both of them knew that. The question was, what was next?
"I wanted to ask you, what happened with Sara and Catherine and Ecklie? What was all that about?"
"Oh, it was ugly. Sara said some things to Catherine, and then she went off on Ecklie. But ultimately, I think it worked out for the best. I think she said a lot of the things she'd been meaning to say, she got suspended for a few days and now everything's pretty much back to normal. Well, as normal as they can be as long as the team's split up."
"Didn't you go to her apartment or something after that went down? What did she say about it?"
Going to her apartment had not really been a split second decision. He'd been wanting to talk to her for a long time about things, especially after that day in his office when he completely failed her. She essentially told him she moved to Vegas to be with him, and he couldn’t even tell her that's why he asked her to come to Vegas in the first place. But when he found out Ecklie wanted to fire her, he knew he needed to talk to her.
He was also curious what instigated this confrontation after it seemed she’d been trying so hard to get it together over the past couple of months. He admired how close she and Greg seemed to be getting. He was a little jealous, too, but he’d never admit that. Besides admiration, he was impressed how good of a mentor she was. Greg was a smart man, but he needed help Gil wasn’t able to give him. So Sara picked up where he left off, and it worked nicely. Greg was a fantastic addition to their team, especially with Sara’s help. It seemed this relationship both let them thrive. So the confrontation was a surprise to him.
So he went to her apartment seeking answers, and he finally got them. And when she confided in him the things she'd been hiding for so long, he felt an almost instant kinship with her. Not because he knew what it was like to see his father murdered, but he DID know what it was like to lose his father at such a young age. Later, after she cried and he held her hand to comfort her, he told her about his father. How one day he was watching TV while his father was in the same room, snoozing. But when his mother came in to bring him a drink, she couldn't wake him up. She tried and she tried, but she just couldn't wake him up.
"I was 9 years old," Gil had told Sara. "I didn't understand. Nobody told me why he died. Nobody came by to investigate. There wasn't even an autopsy."
"Is that why..." Sara started to say, then stopped.
"Yes. That's why I do this. People deserve answers."
Now, to Jim, he said, "Oh, well, actually I don't really feel comfortable telling you that. But she told me a lot of things. And it explained everything."
"Really? Did it explain why you've never pursued a relationship with the woman?"
Gil shook his head and downed more Scotch.
"It could hurt my career. You know that as well as I do."
"Fuck your career, Gil. You've had your career your whole life. When have you ever been in love? And when will you get the chance again? Gil, Sara's not exactly all that young anymore. She's not going to wait on your old ass forever."
"I know. I know. Seeing her today, seeing her try to fight off that crazy asshole...I need her, Jim. I just do."
He sighed, and took another long drink of Scotch.
Jim chuckled. He patted Gil on the back and said, "It's about damn time, Gil. Welcome to the real world."
The only problem was, he had no idea what to do about this problem. He didn't know how he would ever go about asking Sara Sidle on a date. How did people even do that? Did people even go on dates anymore?
He had no idea what to do. But then Nicky was kidnapped, and everything changed.
Author: Butliz
Rating: Teen - some bad language in this one. It's Brass, what do you expect?
Spoilers: Everything through 7x24
Disclaimer: I so don't own them.
Summary: Sara's mother is sick, and Sara feels like she's finally ready to face the past. But how will that effect her future? A look at Sara and Grissom's past, present and future. As always, thanks to the tireless beta-ness of GSFanatic.
Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12
A/N- A special thanks to GSFanatic for the beta, and for staying up ridiculously late to beta this chapter. That's dedication!
And just so we all know: Las Vegas in the summer is hot. Like, significantly more hotter then any other place could possibly be. It is the desert, after all.
And here is Chapter 13. Enjoy, please.
Vegas, year five
"So, Sara, your year of counseling is almost over. Do you think you've made some progress since we started together?"
Pamela was Sara's PEAP counselor. Sara agreed to take a few months off from work and see a counselor for at least 6 months, but she found the counseling so beneficial she told Pamela she'd see her for a year. She was definitely hesitant to talk to this woman in the beginning, but she found that talking to a total stranger was actually quite refreshing. Sara told Pamela things she would never tell anyone, and felt an immediate release after she talked about it.
"Well, I think my outburst with Catherine and almost subsequent firing by Ecklie didn't go so well, but other than that, I think it's been a good year. I do feel better about things. I mean, last year was awful, there was nowhere to go but up."
"Why do you think this year was better?" Pamela asked her. "Do you think it has something to do with taking on a mentoring role with Mr. Sanders?"
Sara smiled. She didn't really think of herself as a mentor, but she did get a lot of satisfaction out of giving advice to Greg. He really was turning out to be a very efficient, if not a somewhat absentminded, CSI. She knew he looked up to her, and that was a major factor in her growth this year.
"Yeah, Greg is awesome. He's really doing well, and I do like to think I have been some part of that. I like helping him. I like watching him grow into a good investigator. And his friendship is becoming very valuable to me, too. We even hang out off the clock now, just the two of us."
Pamela raised her eyebrows ever so slightly, so slightly that Sara wouldn't have noticed if she wasn't looking at her carefully.
"Oh, well, is that something we should talk about?"
Sara considered the question. In fact, she'd been considering the question with more frequency over the last year, but she always came to the same conclusion: she had no urge to go there with Greg. A few situations had occurred during their social outings that could lead to other things, but when Sara really looked deep into her heart, there was nothing romantic about her feelings for her younger colleague. It was a shame. It would have made things so much easier.
"No. We're just friends. I enjoy spending time with him, really, that's all."
"Hmm. I understand, since you never seem to take your mind too far from your supervisor."
And there it was. Sara tried to avoid that subject as much as possible, but Pamela was no fool. As soon as the word "Grissom" came out of Sara's mouth the first time, Pamela was instantly on to her. She asked so many leading questions about it, one day Sara finally had to say, "Okay, yes, I have feelings for Grissom. I moved here for Grissom. I wish things could be different for us, but they aren't and it seems they never will be."
Instead of the smirk Sara was expecting, Pamela only looked back at her with concern obvious in her eyes.
"Do you think maybe it was a little...irresponsible of you to come to Vegas only because you had feelings for someone who would have power over you?"
Well, Sara certainly hadn't been expecting that question. She never really thought about it in those terms, either.
"Honestly? I don't know anymore. I'd like to think I didn't just move here for him; that I wanted to further my career and work on different cases. But I could have done that in California."
They continued that line of questioning for a long time, in many different sessions. Back in the present day, Sara smiled when Pamela brought Grissom up. She'd been smiling a lot more than usual lately.
"You're smiling, Sara. I like that. Tell me more about what happened at the mental hospital. How did you feel when he was trying to get the attendant to unlock the door when the inmate was attacking you?"
Just a week or two before, Sara and Grissom were investigating a case at the mental institution. Grissom walked away to look for something and left Sara in the nurse's station. A patient, Adam Trent, attacked her with a dagger he made in art class. She was terrified, of course, but she also knew she'd be okay. Grissom was there. He would save her. He'd make it right, just like he always did. It was the only thing that kept her sane during the attack. Even when he was looking through the door, helpless, terror showing clearly in his blue eyes, she knew it was all going to be okay.
When the chaos settled down and they arrived safely back at the lab, Sara stopped by his office before she left for the day, something that was becoming routine. He smiled when she stopped by and said, "Go home and get some rest. If you need to, take tomorrow off. I understand how being attacked like that could shake up a person." Sara wondered briefly if he was referring to her or himself.
"I'm okay. Thank you for your...concern."
He nodded, and she was about to turn around leave but something stopped her. He looked like he wanted to say something, something she didn't want to miss.
And he did. "Sara, I was worried about you in there. I'm still worried. Worried AND concerned. If Adam Trent wanted to, he could have...well, it could have been worse. It scared me. And I'm glad you're okay."
Was that emotion coming from her boss? Actually, Sara wasn't that surprised. Ever since he came to her apartment and she told him, finally, about her past, he had been very careful around her. It was maddening and yet weirdly refreshing at the same time.
"He told me he was worried about me," Sara told Pamela. "And it was nice. I didn't do what I've done for so many years now and misinterpret it as romantic. He wants to be my friend, so that's what I'm doing - letting him be my friend. It's like once I decided that the chance for us to get involved romantically was long gone, our friendship has gotten so much stronger. And I really value that. It's become very important to me."
"Have you asked yourself what you would do if the chance for romance did present itself?" Pamela asked.
"Well, yeah. I mean, of course. A few months ago, when I apologized to him for saying some things to Ecklie that I probably shouldn't have, I don't know...I kind of told him that he had always been more of a boss to me. I told him that was why I moved to Vegas. And he just looked at me. Stared at me, really. With that same confused look he's been giving me for 5 straight years. But then he started to say something. He wanted to say something. What he actually said was, and this is verbatim, 'Look, let's, uh...' and then he stopped."
"What did you think he was going to say?" Pamela asked.
"I think he was going to maybe suggest we get together some time! But I didn't know if he was going to say it out of pity or what, so I saved him. I told him we had our post PEAP counseling session and make sure to document it for Ecklie. If something does ever happen, and believe me, I'm not holding my breath...I don't want it to be out of pity. I want it to be genuine. I want it to be real."
"That makes sense to me," Pamela said, nodding.
"Things have been strange since Ecklie split up the team. I don't see Nick and Warrick much, which is sad. And Sofia is on our team, too. Yeah, um, Sofia."
She knew Sofia and Grissom went to dinner. It was soaring through the grapevine on hyperspeed. How many times, she didn't know. She tried not to care, but she did. It was more the fact that she always thought Grissom never made the next move because he was scared of the consequences for his career, but the fact that he was practically dating Sofia seemed to show that wasn't really the issue.
"It's hard sometimes, you know? Because on one hand I'm over it. I value our friendship and I've definitely come to terms that it'll never be more than that. I'm working a lot with Greg, I'm doing yoga again, I'm cooking more, trying to work less. But then sometimes I'll have these dreams, and I'll wake up thinking about him, and it stays with me all day. It's just frustrating."
Pamela nodded and took some notes. It used to drive Sara crazy how Pamela would silently take notes in her little black notebook. But when she asked Pamela about it during their fourth or fifth session, Pamela smiled and actually showed Sara what she wrote down. It didn't say, 'is psychotic, needs to be admitted immediately to mental hospital.' Pamela was just writing what Sara told her, nothing else. This gave Sara some relief, anyway.
"We don't have a lot of time left, but I do have one more question. You mentioned once that when he came to check on you after the confrontation with your coworker, things were different. How are they different? I'm really asking out of curiosity, actually."
Sara thought about how surprised she was to see him standing at her door. She was sure he was there to fire her, but he only wanted to understand her. After all these years of trying not to slip up, mention anything about her past, to finally let it all out and tell Grissom where she came from, why she let cases affect her more than usual sometimes...it was a great relief. And when he took her hand, she knew he understood. And she was more grateful then he would ever know.
"He's nicer. He's more friendly. He doesn't avoid me. We actually talk now instead of grunt at each other in the hallways. It's been nice."
Pamela nodded again. She nodded a lot.
"Well, Sara, I have to tell you, when you came to me nearly a year ago, I have to say there were many things we needed to cover before I felt like we could make progress. But let me tell you - you have. I think that confrontation with your coworker was needed, actually. I think you'd been holding it in for a long time, and once it happened, once you talked to your supervisor about it...I think it was cathartic for you. And I think this next year will be even better, even if I don't get to see your progress on a weekly basis.”
Sara thanked her and walked away smiling. She was proud of the progress she made this year. And even though she did still have romantic feelings for Gil Grissom, she was pretty sure she understood how things were going to work around here. Things were better with them now. He was her friend, her mentor, her boss. They had a mutual respect. They also had a lot of things left unsaid between them, but that was how it was always going to be, and that was okay. Sara felt like she had come to terms with the fact that they just weren't meant to be. It was disappointing, but she understood. She felt like she had a very good understanding of the situation, in fact. But that was until Nicky was kidnapped, and everything changed.
_____________________________
A few weeks earlier
It was the kind of day when all he wanted to do was go home and drink some Scotch, and that was what Gil Grissom was about to do. Just a few hours earlier, he watched as a very mentally disturbed man nearly killed Sara Sidle. Yes, there was going to be some Scotch involved in this day.
There was a knock on his door. What now? He thought bitterly.
Before he could say "Come in," Jim Brass came blowing through his office, a very smug look on his face.
"Oh, God, what is it now, Jim? I sent everyone home, and that's where I'm about to go myself."
"Gil, you're a dumbass. You are a dumb son of a bitch. I don't think people tell you that enough, so I've taken it upon myself to tell you."
Grissom stared at Jim Brass for an uncomfortably long time.
"You know what I just heard? I heard you took Sofia out for dinner. Can you be any more of a dumbass then that?"
"Jim, that was months ago. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't discuss that with you anyway."
Jim's face softened, and he had a sudden feeling of sympathy for his friend.
"I heard what happened to Sara today, too. Come on, come to Joe's with me. You look like you need a drink or five."
Grissom was too tired to protest, so he let Jim take him to his favorite watering hole. He knew there was no chance for sleep any time soon, anyway, and he almost welcomed the opportunity to talk to his old friend over a glass of good Scotch.
After they ordered and had their first taste of the drinks, Jim said, "I have to know - have you seen Sofia again after going to dinner with her?"
Gil sighed somewhat impatiently. He wasn't used to defending his actions to anyone.
"Jim, look, she's a part of my team and she was concerned about her job. I took her to dinner because she needed someone to talk to. And, no, I have not seen her socially since then. And by the way, how does that make me a dumbass?"
Jim looked at him thoughtfully.
"How did you feel when that nutcase had that whatever it was, the sharp thing, on Sara's neck? How did it make you feel to see Sara in such a vulnerable position? What was it like to almost see her murdered, and you couldn't do anything about it but stand there and watch?"
"Jesus, Jim! I didn't know you had such a flair for the dramatics!"
They both sipped their Scotch, thinking.
"Well? How did it feel?" Jim asked, refusing to give up on the conversation.
"It felt ridiculously awful. It felt like I was watching my own death take place. He really could have killed her, Jim. She's a strong girl and she would have taken him down if she could, and eventually she did. But he could have killed her. He could have...taken her away from me."
Jim started at him, nearly speechless.
"Wow. And you're not even drunk yet. I thought we'd have to drink 2 or 3 bottles before you said something like that."
"I'm just tired of it, Jim. I'm tired of this dance Sara and I have been doing together for so many years now, and I know you understand. I know you were there when I went on my diatribe with Dr. Lurie. You're not an idiot, you knew what I was talking about."
Jim nodded.
"Yes, of course I knew. I knew since you brought her to Vegas. Everyone else around here may be clueless when it comes to you, but I never have been. So when I heard about you and Sofia, I just didn't understand."
Gil thought about Sofia. She was attractive and intelligent. She was an excellent CSI. And she made good company. But he knew his feelings for her would never be close to what he felt for Sara.
He also remembered the conversation he had with Greg a few months ago. They were talking about being open-minded, and Greg asked Gil what he liked, what got his juices flowing. Gil surprised himself by saying, "Someone who doesn't judge me." And the only person he was thinking of at the time was Sara. While she may have been frustrated with him at times, he felt like she never judged him. And that was more of a turn on then anything else could ever be.
"I would definitely be lying if I said I didn't...consider...Sofia. She's not as complicated as Sara. It would be easier, I suppose. But that was only a fleeting thought, Jim. When it comes down to it, it's either Sara or nobody else at all."
They sat back and drank silently for a few minutes, contemplating this interesting confession Gil Grissom finally made. It was a big step for him, and both of them knew that. The question was, what was next?
"I wanted to ask you, what happened with Sara and Catherine and Ecklie? What was all that about?"
"Oh, it was ugly. Sara said some things to Catherine, and then she went off on Ecklie. But ultimately, I think it worked out for the best. I think she said a lot of the things she'd been meaning to say, she got suspended for a few days and now everything's pretty much back to normal. Well, as normal as they can be as long as the team's split up."
"Didn't you go to her apartment or something after that went down? What did she say about it?"
Going to her apartment had not really been a split second decision. He'd been wanting to talk to her for a long time about things, especially after that day in his office when he completely failed her. She essentially told him she moved to Vegas to be with him, and he couldn’t even tell her that's why he asked her to come to Vegas in the first place. But when he found out Ecklie wanted to fire her, he knew he needed to talk to her.
He was also curious what instigated this confrontation after it seemed she’d been trying so hard to get it together over the past couple of months. He admired how close she and Greg seemed to be getting. He was a little jealous, too, but he’d never admit that. Besides admiration, he was impressed how good of a mentor she was. Greg was a smart man, but he needed help Gil wasn’t able to give him. So Sara picked up where he left off, and it worked nicely. Greg was a fantastic addition to their team, especially with Sara’s help. It seemed this relationship both let them thrive. So the confrontation was a surprise to him.
So he went to her apartment seeking answers, and he finally got them. And when she confided in him the things she'd been hiding for so long, he felt an almost instant kinship with her. Not because he knew what it was like to see his father murdered, but he DID know what it was like to lose his father at such a young age. Later, after she cried and he held her hand to comfort her, he told her about his father. How one day he was watching TV while his father was in the same room, snoozing. But when his mother came in to bring him a drink, she couldn't wake him up. She tried and she tried, but she just couldn't wake him up.
"I was 9 years old," Gil had told Sara. "I didn't understand. Nobody told me why he died. Nobody came by to investigate. There wasn't even an autopsy."
"Is that why..." Sara started to say, then stopped.
"Yes. That's why I do this. People deserve answers."
Now, to Jim, he said, "Oh, well, actually I don't really feel comfortable telling you that. But she told me a lot of things. And it explained everything."
"Really? Did it explain why you've never pursued a relationship with the woman?"
Gil shook his head and downed more Scotch.
"It could hurt my career. You know that as well as I do."
"Fuck your career, Gil. You've had your career your whole life. When have you ever been in love? And when will you get the chance again? Gil, Sara's not exactly all that young anymore. She's not going to wait on your old ass forever."
"I know. I know. Seeing her today, seeing her try to fight off that crazy asshole...I need her, Jim. I just do."
He sighed, and took another long drink of Scotch.
Jim chuckled. He patted Gil on the back and said, "It's about damn time, Gil. Welcome to the real world."
The only problem was, he had no idea what to do about this problem. He didn't know how he would ever go about asking Sara Sidle on a date. How did people even do that? Did people even go on dates anymore?
He had no idea what to do. But then Nicky was kidnapped, and everything changed.
