April 14th 2003

[lizwontcry]

Blah.. another week, another day of fruitless job searching.. more gas wasted.. down in the dumps again.. poo. Not screaming at God and crying for 2 hours straight kind of in the dumps, just the "bah I really want Matt back and my bra doesn't fit and I can't seem to stop eating McDonalds and what am I going to do this weekend and why can't I find a job damnit" kind of in the dumps.

In other news..

Subj: Hey you.

Date: 4/14/2003 1:21:02 PM Central Daylight Time

From: Me

To: Matt

It's been almost a week since we last talked, and I know I should probably just chill out and keep on this role that I'm on, but in spite of myself.. I'm worried about you. And since I'm at my brother's sending faxes to places I found in the paper yesterday, I thought this would be a good opportunity to write this.

I know you're a big boy and you can handle your own shit, but I almost feel guilty about not talking to over the past 6 days. I know that you don't "need" to talk to me, you have other friends and girlfriends and people to talk to, but I dunno.. I feel bad. I want you to know that you can always talk to me. Even though I said I wanted to take a break or whatever, I still find myself staring at my buddy list and wondering if I should check in with you.

I hope you're doing okay. I hope you're feeling good about life in general, because I really think you deserve to. I miss you, and I really am concerned about you for some reason. I wanted to go weeks without talking to you to show you that I have self-control, but that's not what this is about. It's about my love and frienship with you, and my hope that you are doing okay.

Us not talking also has to do with me wanting to build up some pride before I checked in with you again. Last Tuesday was really bad, and I'm really ashamed of how I acted. But, you'll be happy to know, I'm getting it together. The last 6 days have really been productive. I feel like I'm at a turning point.. a good turning point. I'm actually hanging out with people! I had dinner with people 2 nights in a row! I even went to a bar down on 6th street with some friends to check out a band. I so wanted to tell you about that because I knew you'd be proud of me, but I know that part of growing is NOT telling you about it. But that's just natural for me.. wanting to tell you all about my life, wanting to share it with you. On Saturday I even did manual labor for Habitat for Humanity. I was really proud of myself.. I met some new people, gave back to the community, and got a pretty nice tan while I was at it.

I'm challenging myself. Challenging myself to step out and figure out how to make friends, to keep myself busy, to learn new things about me and the world. It's really interesting, and kinda fun. I worry about what I'll be doing during the weekend, and I search to find something to do. I can't be alone anymore, I can't be a hermit.. that's just not cool anymore.

I hope you're doing well. I do feel guilty about not talking to you, and I feel like we ended our last conversation on a negative note. Again, Tuesday was a really bad day for me.. it just seemed like things were never going to get better. But now.. I have a base of friendship, I'm really losing weight, I am learning how to keep myself busy. The job thing is still up in the air, but something will happen with that soon. You can't apply to a bajillion million places without having SOMETHING happen.

I really hope that you are well. If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask me.. I am always here for you, even when it seems like I'm not. I am doing a lot better, but I still miss you. I still dream about you every night. I still listen to talk radio because every song reminds me of you. I still regret fucking up when we were together, because when it comes down to it, we could have saved this relationship. I could have gotten the shit that I knew I needed to get together.. I COULD have done that, and I didn't. And I have to live with that, and I hate it.

As I've said 1,000 times in this email, I find myself worrying about you and being concerned about you a lot. And hey, you're probably doing great and I'm being presumptious to think that there's something to be concerned about. I just had to get this off my chest.. I miss you, and my heart literally aches for you. I want so much for you, and I want so much for US.

It's funny.. sometimes I find things to do just to impress you, even if you have no idea what I'm doing. Sometimes making you see that I've been idle for 8 or 10 hours on end is my motivation for finding things to do, even though I know that probably doesn't even cross your mind. Your opinion of me means so much, and it motivates me to want to change. You are an inspriation to me. I know you know that, but I just wanted to make that clear.

If you're wondering why I sent you this when I could have just talked to you, that's a good question. But here it is anyway. I hope you have a great week, one that's fulfilling and productive and all that kind of stuff.

Subj: Re: Hey you.

Date: 4/14/2003 1:27:24 PM Central Daylight Time

From: Matt

To: Me

Sent from the Internet (Details)

Thank you for the very sweet email.

Unfortunately, in times like this, I think that you get mad if I don't wow you with some super email. Things still aren't going well for me, and reading how much you care for me actually makes me sad. It really sounds like you are doing well. I am so proud of you. You keep up whatever you are doing because it is empowering to see how awesome you are doing.

You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent young woman, and you keep showing that to the world, because i do see it when you write me letters like this that you are doing well. Just remember, doing well is a lifetime thing. And you are capable of it, because you rock. Keep being beautiful and lighting up Austin. I miss you and I hope things are better for both of us in ways we want soon.

____

Can someone PLEASE tell me why he said this tonight? Because it's going to make me continue with my fantasies and I'm not happy about that. Not at all.

Matt: Can I say something that may be inappropriate, but I feel needs to be said?

Me: Yes.

Matt: If you keep doing what you're doing.. kicking ass and improving.. being just the coolest chick in the free world.. it's going to be really hard to not want to be with that. Keep doing what you're doing.. I am very, very impressed..

And then later..

Matt: I'm going to go to Taco Bueno..

Matt: I just want you to know that I miss you and think of you all the time.

Me: Okay.. yummy taco bueno.

Me: And I miss you too.. and I think about you all the time, even when I'm sleeping, damnit.

Me: Damn you and your hard to forgetness.

Matt: You've made your share of an impact.. keep making your impact to yourself too.

Me: I'm trying, sweetie.

Oh. So that's why I wasn't supposed to talk to him.

False hope bites.