February 28th 2003

[lizwontcry]

Okay you guys.. don't kill me.. but I think there's a small chance that I'm going to Mardi Gras this weekend. With Matt.

He didn't exactly ask me to go, but he really wants to go and all he needs is someone else to go with him, and I really really really want to. So that qualifies me, right? I'm not sure if he'll want me to go, but I wrote him the email and now I'm waiting for him to wake up, which, of course, might be a while.

I know what you're thinking, and it's just not true. I'm not doing this in a desperate attempt to win him back. It's because I've gone to Mardi Gras 4 years in a row and I love it and I want to go this year, while I have no job prospects or anything like that. It might be my last hurrah!

Man, I'm on crack.

I'll come back with another entry later about my crackwhoredom, but right now this is the only thing on my mind.

____

I told myself I wouldn't be dissapointed.. I told myself I wouldn't care either way if he wanted to go or if he didn't want to go..

but I'm destroyed by this.. I'm crying again.. I'm so dissapointed and hurt and I don't know how to handle it.

I know it's good that we aren't going, but it still feels like shit. Like total shit.

____

Sometimes I'm so paralyzed with sadness that I just don't know what to do.. sometimes I just cry so much that I wonder how I can have any tears left.

Just when I think that I can have some shred of happiness, something happens and it dissapears. Last week I was resigned to being happy without Matt, just talking to him every couple of days or so about unimportant things. And then on Saturday he breaks out with the whole "I just got dumped and I want to talk about getting back together" shit and I get turned into this crying sack of crap that would do anything for this man, even though it's clear he wouldn't do the same.

Chris tells me, "If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you." It's so simple, yet it hurts so bad. He's going to Mardi Gras without me for the first time in 4 years, even though I offered to go with him, even though I offered to drive and to pay for half. I guess I don't blame him. But it still hurts so desperately bad. His reason is that he doesn't want me to rearrange my life around him anymore, which is honorable I suppose. But it hurts.. soo.. fucking.. bad.

I'm trying to be appear happy for him, I'm trying to make it seem like it's not a big deal, because if I don't, he'll be sad on this trip. He at least deserves to be happy about it, even if I can't be. My mom is coming this weekend, I'll be okay..

Today will suck. It'll suck a lot. He won't be online, he'll be driving to Baton Rouge, where I'd kill to be. I have nothing else to do but sit here.. I'm going to see Gangs of New York around 5, but until then I have 5 hours to sit here and think about not being with him, and it drives me crazy. A slow, intense, painful kind of crazy.

I'm so tired of this.. it's been 4 months, and I'm not any closer to getting over it. Yesterday I had the kind of crying fit that I had on the day before Christmas Eve, the day I found out he had a girlfriend. A few things have changed since then, but not really.. I'm still no closer to finding my sanity and I'm still no closer to being fine without him. I mean, seriously.. this was like.. heartbreaking.. it hurts so fucking bad and there's no one I can talk to, no one who's going to hug me and tell me it's going to be okay.. because I have no friends and I live 200 miles away from everything I know.

So March.. March is going to be hardcore March. I'm going to turn things around for myself. It's going to be different this time. I was going to not talk to Matt, but I sorta changed my mind about that. I don't know.

But I'm going to stick to my diet, I'm going to search for jobs everyday, all day. At night I'm going to write at least 500 words a day of my novel, even if it's crappy words. I'm going to call my church people and make them my friends whether they like it or not. I'm going to be anti-me, the me that I want to be in March. I'm going to turn this around.. I'm not going to let myself cry anymore. He doesn't want to be with me right now, and I just have to deal with it.

I just get so dissapointed so entirely too easy. I got my hopes up that he would come here, and then I got my hopes up that I could go to New Orleans and transform our relationship. I know it would have been bad.. first of all I'd have to drive 3 hours to Dallas and then another 5 hours to Louisiana, but I would have done that. I would do anything for this man, anything he asks me to do, and I just wish he'd ask me to do this.

I'm so tired of being this way.. I hate it. I love him so much more than I love myself.. I love the highs, the way he makes me feel special.. but it just wasn't meant to be right now.

I need to find something to do today so I don't freak out all day.

I am such a mess.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"My bra doesn't fit right. Nothing fits right anymore.. I know if I'd skip the McDonalds bagel every now and then, things would fit alot better. But the temptation is too great. I am forever destined to be a big fat ho. Anyway, I need some new jeans and new shirts and it sucks to be fat. I'm a 120 pound chick in a big fat girl's body. I look at myself in the mirror and still see myself as a 16 year old, not the fat chick I am."

____

Why yes, this would be the 4th entry today, why do you ask?

First of all, my ass hurts like a motherfucker. I told Kyle the Personal Trainer the other day that I felt like my ass was being neglected in these workouts, and he apparently took me seriously because yesterday was all ass, all the time. Woo! The cheeks are hurtin!

Second, finally the temp agencies came through for me. I joined like 10 of them, and one of the first ones finally found me a secretary-like job that pays $8.50 an hour. I'm excited. Finally a steady job (it's from 7:30 to 4:30, which I'm not ecstatic about, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do) where I can work all day, go work out, cook dinner, and write my novel. It's really a relief. I'm nervous because I hope I can do what they ask me to, but it shouldn't be too hard. I start on Tuesday. I would have started on Monday if I didn't tell her I was out of town until Monday.. I told her that just in case Matt actually wanted me to go to Mardi Gras with him.

*sigh*

Third, I am actually losing weight. I have two different scales.

1. The first scale was the one that first told me I was over 200 pounds. Today, that same scale told me I was 176 pounds. I didn't believe it, so I did it like 3 times, and it said the same thing.

2. My other scale, a digital one, said 180 today. The other times it said 180 I would step back on 2 or 3 times and it would go back to 184, but today it was 180. That same scale told me I was 192 when I first got to Austin. 12 pounds in 2 months.. that's not bad, eh?

I know that sounds like I'm getting a little crazy with the scales, and I probably am. The scales are going into the closet for the entire month of March. Hardcore March, damnit!

But it's almost surreal.. I am actually losing weight. I am doing what I set out to do here in Austin.. trying to feel better about myself. My jeans that I bought 2 weeks ago are already sagging a little, I have to pull them up alot.

So what I'm trying to say here is that I'm proud of myself, god damnit.

Thank you.

Fourth.. I really wish I was at Mardi Gras. I've been to every one of them for the past 4 years, I even got a little crazy with the boobs the first time I went. It's not really the event of Mardi Gras itself.. I actually don't really dig the whole walking down Bourbon Street amongst the crazy lunatics all day. But just being with Matt in Louisana, having a hotel room, going to little parades in Baton Rouge.. we had our little routines and it was so much fun.

But I told him.. "Oh well, there's always next year," and he said "True, just think how much fun we'll have together next year." I hate when he says stuff like that.. it's like he's optimistic that we're going to be together next year even though there's no guarentee that will happen.

But I'm done crying for a while. No crying in March, damnit. It's gonna be good times in March. It's going to be Hardcore in March. Matt will not mess with my emotions in March.

But I will get him back. I saw Two Weeks Notice today (again) and the chick from You've Got Mail told Sandra Bullock that she had to fight for her man, and it was worth it. I'm going to fight for him.. he is what I want, as sad as that is. Maybe I won't get him now, or a month from now, but someday, he'll be wanting some Lizzie Love.

My goal today was to see Gangs of New York, but I was bored and I saw about an hour of Old School before I snuck into Gangs. Dude.. Gangs of New York bored the living fuck out of me. I left after probably 30 minutes. Good god almight, did that movie suck some serious ass.

I'm going to Dallas next weekend. Not for Matt.. I think he's going on a road trip or something. I'm going to my dad's farm, I think. It should be good times.. I'm looking forward to seeing my puppy again and showing up and looking like I've lost 12 pounds (16 pounds if I believe my other scale) and it'll be fun. Yay.

Anyway.. I ordered a pizza (since tomorrow is the start of Hardcore March, I decided to treat myself!) and I'm going to watch the special edition of Dogma, so I think I'm settled in for the night. My life is just way too exciting.