February 25th 2003

[lizwontcry]

I've finally started getting a few google hits.. the last two that I got were "fuck Jennifer Garner" and "chainsaw won't start." Fun times, eh?

I am so freakingly miserable right now. Freaktastically miserable. I can't find a job. I don't know about the interview yesterday because apparently when there's an ice storm, everyone uses it as an excuse to stop the whole state down and go into total and complete chaos.

I shouldn't have quit at the Deli, not after 3 days. I could have at least waited a week or two while I made some money in tips and shit. I can't stand this.. it's been almost 2 months and I can't find a god damn thing.

I go to bed as late as possible so I don't wake up until at least 9 AM so I won't have to face the fact that I have absolutely nothing to do today. I want to work out, but I don't want to go kill myself on the icy streets. I don't want to stay here because I'm always here.

*sigh*

The scale did say 180 today, which it hasn't said in a really long time. That's mostly due to the fact I almost ate nothing yesterday. Kyle the personal trainer would not be happy with me. But I've lost 20 pounds since last summer, so I should keep on trucking.

The fact that I still have 50 pounds to lose doesn't depress me, seriously, not at all.

I wish I had something to study or something. I wish I could go back to school and learn some kind of skill that will help me get a job. Journalism is a wide field that isn't hiring for shit right now. I should like.. be a nurse or a dental hygenist or something.

I seriously thought it wasn't going to be like this. I thought I was going to graduate from college, move to Plano and get a job close to Matt's house, we'd get married a year or so after I graduated.. but that's just not how things work. And I know someday I'll be happy that I came here, but right now everything sucks my ass.

Matt said last night that he wants to join me in my happiness, not be the cause of it. And he's right, but it's more than that. If I had him, I would be more tempted to find other things that make me happy. It's like he's the missing link or something, and that's pathetic, but that's where I am in my life right now, you know?

I don't know if we're going to get back together. I think we might.. but first I probably have to prove to him and to myself that I can get a job, that I can make friends, that I can start over from scratch. So far I can't. But there's still 5 more months left in which for me to do so.

I was watching Living Out Loud last night and Queen Latifah was talking about her gay boyfriend and how she felt about him being gay. Her quote was, "I just love him." And that's the deal here. I don't care if it's wrong, I don't care if it's not productive, I don't care that he might not be the right one for me in the whole scheme of things - I just love him.

I'm going to make cookies now.

______

Seeing that I'm pretty much trapped here for the day due to the icy conditions of my lovely city, I'll probably update a million times.

The only thing I have for right now is, have you ever been talking on AOL with someone while watching You've Got Mail? It gets very confusing at times! I was cooking (cookies and now a cheeseburger) and I kept hearing the IM sound and I wasn't sure if it was Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan or me and Matt.

Weird times.

By the way, Norah Jones? She went to my school. That makes me cool.

_____

Boorrreedddoommmmm.

If it were a normal boring day, at least I'd be able to get out of here and go work out or go see a movie or go to a bookstore. But everyone is saying "Don't go anywhere if you don't have to! STAY HOMMMEEE!"

That would be wonderful if I didn't live in my pathetic world of living by myself. I've been talking to Matt off and on for hours because Dallas is even worse than Austin with all the ice and snow, so neither of us have anything to do. But that's getting boring because all I want to do is talk about him coming here. It would be so much fun if he was here.. we could snuggle under the blanket and play Monopoly and have crazy nookie.

*sigh*

This, of course, is beating him down. I'm trying not to and he's being really nice about it, but I'd like to control myself and just talk about it when he brings it up, but I have no self control.

NO SELF CONTROL!

I should just sit myself down and force myself to write for at least an hour. I need to get started on a book or I never will get that done. Damnit.

bored bored bored bored.

Stay home, stay safe, stay warm.

I hate my life.