February 24th 2003

[lizwontcry]

I amuse myself today. I am wearing the very business like suit I bought at Lane Bryant yesterday, and I feel like such a dork. I don't wear stuff like this. However, this situation is helped by the fact that I look really good in it. Dressing up quite becomes me, if I do say so myself.

As for the interview, it's hard to say. She wants someone who has experience with multi-line phones, and I really don't. I hope saying "But I catch on to things really fast!" helped at least somewhat. I'll know by tomorrow, so keep your fingers crossed. It's not my dream job, but it'll do for now.

I went to Jason's Deli today to return my shirt. It went okay. I thought everyone was going to send daggers straight into my back as soon as I stepped inside, but all was well. Yay for that.

You know what? I totally have writer's block. In a serious way. I think it's because I put so much pressure on myself to be a writer, and now that I actually need to write something, it's really hard. I don't know what I want to write, either.. I was all excited about writing the story about being dumped, but that's depressing, you know? I can't keep taking myself back there, I have to move on at some point.

Not that that's going to happen any time soon. But I'm going to look at it this way from now on: It'll probably happen eventually. Matt will realize that the chick he has now isn't right for him, won't give him the things that he really wants, even if she does have qualities that I don't possess. And then he's going to realize that I am changing, I'm becoming more mature, and he'll want to get up in my business. I have a firm belief that this will happen. And if it doesn't, I will still be changing for myself and the rest of the world, and that's a good thing.

I'm just really impatient. I can envision him coming here every month, me going there, and then when it was over and I moved back.. well, it would be on. And he says that he just wants to make sure the things that tore us apart can change, and I know that takes time. It's not like he can just decide today that he's going to ditch this chick and come after me.

Patience, grasshopper. I just have to have patience. I hate patience.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"You know what I really want to do? I have this burning desire to start an all girl Guns N Roses cover band. Doesn't that rock? Doesn't that sound awesome?! I'm not the best singer in the world, but I have a majority of all the songs memorized and I think I could do a pretty good job! I WANNA BE A ROCK STAR, DAMNIT!"

_____

It's that time of year, D Land. What time of year is it? It's crazy "It's sleeting in Texas so all life must come to a standstill" time of year!

It happens like.. once a year, and then it's over with, and everyone's happy. But the roads are all icy and people are panicing and it's not fun times. I went to the store to buy stuff so I wouldn't be stuck here with nothing to eat tomorrow, so yes, I too panicked. I hate panicking with the masses, it makes me feel dirty.

But yesterday I had the fan on in here because it was so hot in my apartment, now the heater is on almost full blast. I was working out with Kyle the Personal Trainer (only 3 more sessions left.. that makes me sad.) and he asked how cold it was, and the only thing that came to mind for me to say was "buttfuckingly cold." He seemed pretty amused by that. It's 28 degrees, damnit! That's buttfuckingly cold to me.

It's totally nights like this that made me wish I was back in Dallas, cuddling with Matt under the blanket and watching Raw together. It really hurts to even think about that, because I want it so desperately bad right now. I'm talking to him a little tonight and I think he's carefully avoiding the subject of getting back together. I wish he hadn't brought it up in the first place.. I really do. He gave me hope, and I doubt that it's going to happen, at least any time soon.

*sigh*

Why do I have it so bad for this man? Why can't I get him out of my freaking head? It's so lame.

Anyway.

Nobody called about the job today. It looks like we're back at square one again. This is getting bad. I have practically no money left. Why am I such an unhirable person? Come on, god damnit! I type 80 fuckin words per minute, that has to be useful in some freaking capacity!

Guhhh.

In the meantime, I'm going to watch some of the movies I rented tonight (Dogma, You've Got Mail, Living Out Loud, The Good Girl), maybe make cookies, maybe do a little writing, and try to get this boy out of my system.

I just love him so much. Man.. he's such a bastard.

Fucking men.