February 23rd 2003

[lizwontcry]

My foot is asleep. Probably because I'm sitting on it.

So, you think you've got things semi under control, and then you IM your ex boyfriend about a song he wanted you to hear, and then he breaks out with the "I think I was just dumped" and then all kinds of chaos ensues.

Nothing has really changed here. We've been talking for about 2 hours about everything, about getting back together, about not getting back together, and nothing has changed, at least in my opinion. He "thinks" he was dumped, but what does that mean? People get back together all the time.

I don't know. I just have no idea. I guess I'll just have to see it to believe it. If he comes out here to see me and the natural things progress, then I'll believe it and I'll deal with it. But right now I don't believe it and I'm not going to deal with it. Right now I personally think his mouth is writing checks that his ass can't cash.

I fully expected something like this to happen while I was here, honestly. I just didn't know how to handle it when it did. But now it is. So I have to handle it.

Do I sound confused?

Fuck.

_____

What's up, homey g's?

It's only 2:00 and I feel like I've accomplished a lot already. I've been to church, I've bought new shoes and a new skirt and succumbed to the credit card monster at Lerner's (Well, sheeyit, I saved $25 on the skirt and the underwear I bought.. well worth the price I had to pay to take on yet another credit card), had my eyebrows ripped off my face, and got massively lost.

I seem to get lost in one capacity or other everyday here in Austin. It's kind of exciting. It gives me the chance to play the "Let's get home without looking at a map or asking someone!" game. Today I think I climbed a mountain for a little while. I think I was like.. headed to China or something. But I found my way back and here I am at home, looking forward to a long day of cleaning.

I'm in a good mood, I guess. This whole Matt thing is confusing me a little, but like I said, I'll believe it when I see it. When he shows up at my door and we're actually engaging in crazy tongue action, I'll believe he's sincere. But right now he's just talking about how his girlfriend is a crazy person right now.

*sigh* I don't know. I don't want to get my hopes up. it's nice to know that he's thinking about me, but I talked to Chris about it and as usual he brought me back to reality.. "Don't you think it's a little shitty that he only wants you back after she dumps him?" Yes. That's shitty. But there's just a lot of other factors that I am keeping in mind, as well. And I know saying that makes me look like a tool, but so what? We all gotta do what we gotta do, right?

I did not spend 5 years of my life just to have wasted it. If he wants to get back together, I'm going to take that chance.

I don't know why I'm trying to defend myself. So I'll shut up now.

_____

First of all, Coldplay on the Grammy's? Absoultly fucking amazing. Wow. And Faith Hill? What was with her, she totally sucked it up!

So I was talking to Matt today, and I was having a little tizzy fit because I don't really understand what's going on right now. He's saying that even though they might be over, he's not giving up on her quite yet. He's saying he's scared that if we get back together, nothing is really going to change. And you know, there's a chance of that. But I just think that since I'm out of the environment I was in for the past 5 years, since I live here, since I'm out in the real world now.. things are going to be different. But you never really know.

So he asked me to write him a story about where I saw us in a few years. Where I saw our careers, our relationship, our friendships.. so I wrote this 3 page story, and it was cute. And since I'm already in a contemplative mood, I'm going to take an idea from her and her and talk about what I want.

What do I want?

I want Matt to fall back in love with me. I want him to feel the way he did in the first couple of months when I couldn't do anything wrong. He pursued me during that time. He couldn't get enough of me.. it was crazy. And then he found out the real me, and he found out that I would be there for him no matter how hard he fucked it up, and it probably all went downhill from there.

I want to spend nights in his arms, I want to look in his eyes and know that I'll be looking into his eyes forever. I want to marry him at my dad's farm on an October night with just the moon as our light, with me standing next to him, barefoot. I want to kiss him in front of all our family and friends and show them all that we could make it. It was a long journey, but we could make it. After that, I want to go with him to a remote location, strip him of his innocence, and fall asleep in his arms, knowing that we would be together forever.

I want to be a novelist. I want to be as big as Mary Higgins Clark, but I'll settle for Jennifer Crusie, who has a steady following and writes damn good books. I want to go on book tours and be able to go on long vacations where I'd write in the morning while Matt slept, and then when he wakes up we go exploring together.

I want to make love to him and make babies with him, and I want to raise babies with him, knowing that our love produced this child, this person that represents our union, our struggle to make ourselves into the people we have wanted to be for so long.

I want to lose 50 more pounds and be able to wear lingerie and tank tops and shorts. I want to wear bikinis and I want Matt to show me off. Lame, but I'm tired of being fat, and I'm tired of not feeling like I'm good enough to be shown off. I want people to tell me I'm beautiful.

I want to be truly happy, the kind of happy that gets things accomplished, the kind of happy that's infectious and makes other people happy too.

I want to have 4 or 5 really close girl friends who get together from time to time to chat about life and drink wine or margaritas together. I want them to be in my wedding, and when I'm 55 years old I want to meet them for lunch and talk about what has happened over the years. My mom did that recently with women she graduated from college with, and I want to do that.

I want a strong spiritual base. I want to live my life like I know I should, following the rules that God has set for me. I want the man I spend my life with to do the same, so we can grow not only physically and emotionally and sexually, but spirtually as well.

I want to spend the rest of my life with a caring man, one who inspires the people around him to better themselves. I want to spend my life with a man who is extremely intelligent yet still on my level, someone who respects me for everything I bring to the relationship. I want to spend my life with Matt, because I love him and I know he'd take care of me like I'd take care of him.

I mean, that's not too much to ask, is it?