lizwontcry | February 20th 2003

Everyday, I become more disillusioned with my life. Everyday, I become just a little more bitter about where I'm going, where I've been, and where I'll end up. Everyday I learn to hate my environment, hate my body, hate my peers, hate everything.

I mean, I'm a reasonably attractive and smart person. How did I end up where I am today, with no job, no friends, and a pathetic sense of self worth? Why can't I find a job that doesn't include wrapping pickles?

I quit my job at the deli because they have so many delivery drivers that we only take like 4 or 5 deliveries a day, and the rest of time we're kitchen bitches. That's not what I signed up for. Maybe I should have stayed there, seeing that I have no job right now and no prospects for a job right now, but I hated it there. I hated the people and the way the bosses talked to you like you were in 3rd grade and I hated the way people looked at me when I delievered to them at their cushy office jobs.

I'm actually jealous of people who have jobs now. I want to be that person. I want to have job security. I want to work at a publishing house or do something that has anything to do with writing, instead of slaving over finding a temp job that would have me working at a computer 8 hours a day.

And the only person I want in this world is Matt, and he's always idle, he's always off doing something, he has job security - he just does secret shopping, which isn't exactly a high profile job, but he does it whenever he wants and he makes good money. And I admire him and I hate him at the same time. We never talk anymore. I feel like I'm the forgotten person. The girl who stood by him when he lived in a shitty trailer where, in the summer, it had no air conditioning and would be lovely when it was 105 degrees. I stood by him when he had a shitty car that you had to pin the interior on top or it would fall off. I stood by him when he was just the perpetual job student, no future in sight. I was the person who would be there for him no matter what.

And you know what? Who the fuck cares? What does it fucking matter anymore? I'm forgotten. I'm the forgotten friend, the forgotten girlfriend. Nobody wants to call me anymore, nobody wants to hang out with me.

I thought coming to Austin would fix everything. I thought since I was moving to my "dream city," things would happen for me. It's only been fewer than 2 months, but I already feel like giving up. Just throwing my hands up and admitting that I don't have what it takes to make it on my own.

But what's the alternative? Nothing. I don't have any alternative. Someday soon I'm going to have to buck up and realize that this is my fate, and I better make the most out of it instead of sitting here in the dark during this huge rainstorm and feeling sorry for myself.

And I just feel.. off. Like, I look at a situation and think, "Well, this will probably have to happen because the planets aligned and the cosmos is a certain way so of course this is destined to happen." I felt that way about the gift shop job and I felt that way this morning about the office job, but the chick said she's looking for someone with more experience.

More experience.. lalalala. How can I get it if I don't even have it? That mystifies me.

I know I have to get out of this funk someday, but for now I just feel like shit. Like.. a worm of a human. I've fucked up massively and now I'm paying for it. Playing house for 5 years might have been fun at the time, but now I have no experience, no social skills, and no prospects.

I fucked up, and now I'm paying for it.

Look below for irony.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"4. I'm starting to figure out why BB has been in college for 6 years. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go out in the real world. How do vacations work in the real world? Can I even take Christmas off? How will I go to Las Vegas for New Years? This all scares me to death. I graduate in December and after that, all bets are off. No more health insurance from my dad.. I gotta go get my own somewhere. I guess I'm just a spoiled brat. I know I am. But this really scares me.

5. I brought up an Austin internship to BB and he was like, "I think you just want to leave me." I hate that. I wish he'd be more supportive and understanding. I think I'd benefit alot from going to Austin. My brother cooks good stuff, so I'd probably lose weight. He already said I could come live with him, he's actually really supportive of the idea. I could go to Austin Community College for school or something. I would go to UT but I'm kinda scared of the place. It's expensive and yeh.. scary."

I'm just scared of so many things.. I don't want to graduate. So many good things have happened during college. I've gotten to go on so many different road trips, but how can I do that in "the real world?!" We don't get spring breaks or summer or winter breaks. Gahh. This is no fun."

_____

Alright, okay, okay. I feel like I owe you guys at least one positive entry in a sea of "My life sucks and I really don't see it ever getting better again" entries.

Today I went to Kyle the personal trainer. After we did all this leg crap that will be sure to have me walking with great difficulty tomorrow, we did a progress report with the body fat. We last did this about 3 weeks ago.

So, progress: I've lost an inch and a half of body fat and I've lost 7 pounds. Obviously I want to lose more than 7 pounds, but really I've cheated a lot with the food thing and that's probably how much I deserve to lose. Also, I look at this way - if I lose 7 pounds every 3 weeks, than in a month and a half I will have lost 21 pounds! In 2 months, 28 pounds. I just have to keep in mind that not everyone is like Matt - not everyone can lose a pound a day for a total of 150 pounds in like.. 5 months. He had a lot of weight to lose. I do too, but if I lost 150 pounds in 5 months I'd be one very svelte 30 pounder.

Anyway, I do feel a sense of pride from all that. I can't find a job but damnit, I'm losing weight the best way - diet and exercise.

*achoo*

Also, I have to make a pop culture comment up in here:

I really can't stand all this shit on TV about Michael Jackson. I like the guy! I had a HUGE crush on him when I was 6 years old. Thriller scared the mother fuck out of me. So what if the guy's a freak? Leave him to his freakyness, for fuck's sake. Blame the parents that let the kids stay over at his house in the first place.. geez louise.

I haven't talked to Matt since Monday. I miss the mother fuck out of him, but what can you do sometimes. He goes in cycles.. he'll be really happy for a few months, going out all the time, being the man, and then he'll settle down and be sad again. Of course, I don't want that to happen.. I want him to be happy. But I also wish he'd have more of an interest in talking to me, and he seems to have more of an interest when he's depressed.

*sigh*

Also, I think I'm getting my period again. That just means that the pills aren't in synch with each other, which sucks because who wants to have 2 periods in one month? But whatever. My body's got to do what it has to do, you dig?

Tonight is my church group. It should be good times.

I can't wait until August 1st, 2003. Home sweet home, that's what I say.