lizwontcry | February 19th 2003

It is 6:56 AM.

I have to get up this early so I can be at my job by 8. When I get there, I will fill bags full of potato chips, pickles, mustard and mayonaise, and whatever else people desire.

Yesterday a temp agency called and offered me a temp to permanent job, but I was a dumbass and said I already had a job. My brother somehow found this out, he told my mom, and they both got up in my business.. "How could you do that?!"

Well, I do have this other job, and I didn't want to be unprofessional about quitting. BUt they said that I've only worked there for 3 days, and I can quit if I want to.

If I can have that office job with consistent money and hours and it has nothing to do with rolling pickles.. I would be so happy. I hope my dumbassity doesn't prevent me from getting it.

I hate this job so much that yesterday I went home, wrote in here, and took a 3 hour nap. I hate it so much that I maybe slept about 3 hours last night. I hate it so much that I would rather call right now and quit then go in there and have to be chatty with all those friggin boys. I hate the shirt I have to wear, and I especially hate the look that all 3 people I delievered to yesterday gave me.. the look of pity.. the look of hey, look at us, we are far superior to you.. muahahahaha.

I hate this job. I just wanted to make that clear.

_____

*whine whine whine whine whine*

That basically sums up the entry for those who don't have much time to read a real one.

In other words, I fucking hate my life. I hate myself. I hate that I fuck the most simple things up. I hate that I have to settle for this fucking job because yesterday I said no to probably the perfect job for me. I just called and asked if it was still available, and they were like, "Unfortunately it's not.. we were hoping to get you for this one because your skills and your location are perfect for it." Way to go, Elizabeth. Way to fuck something else up beyond belief.

I mean, what's WRONG with me? Why do I have to screw everything up? Looking at the situation, maybe getting a job as a delivery driver might not be the best thing for someone who's always fucked up simple directions. Today I got so lost, and I started freaking out because I was about to run out of gas and I was lost in one of those areas of Austin that just has a crapload of hills and no gas stations to speak of.

And then I was 25 minutes late to the place I was supposed to be delivering too. They weren't really mad.. in fact the chick secretary saw that I was in peril and gave me a number to a temp agency that had employed her at that place. I need to call that.. it seems too much like fate not to.

I just started freaking out and crying in the car, and I just fucking hate myself. I fuck up simple things. No wonder Matt doesn't want to be with me, I fuck the simplest things up. I bet his girlfriend doesn't fuck things up. I bet that's what he likes about her. I bet that's what he likes so much about her that that's why he stays with her even though she neglects his ass.

It was supposed to be different here. It was supposed to be better. I was supposed to come here and change my life around, make friends, lose weight, make money.. I was supposed to make PROGRESS. And right now, I am hurting. I really wish I could just go back to school, go back to my stupid little dorm, go back to my simple life of waking up late and going to class, half assing my way through life, going to Matt's on the weekends. I miss him so much. I miss the life I had with him. And I miss the life we could have had together if he hadn't given up on us.

I don't know what to do. I want a nice cushy office job where I sit at a computer all day and flirt with the executives. If I roll another pickle I'll fucking scream.

I want to quit, but my money supply is dwindling and I don't really have the luxury to quit at this moment. I need to pay the rent and shiznit.

I am so completely miserable. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate that I spent the last 5 years following some lame dream that didn't come true only to be sitting here right now hating myself and wishing I could go back home. I spent 5 years thinking something, thinking that I was going to spend my life with a certain person in a certain place in a certain situation, and now I'm in a completely different place and a completely different situation and..

I hate it. I hate it more than anything. I want to go to sleep and wake up in 5 months.

I did call another temp agency a few minutes ago and she said she has a good job for me, but I'd have to go in and interview for it, and I can't do that if I'm fucking working. So I have to try and get off early on Friday and then call and hope that they still have something available.

I hate this. I fucking hate everything. I fucking hate that this is my life right now, and I really fucking hate that I have to live it without Matt. I miss him so much. I hate that Mardi Gras is in 2 weeks and I'm missing it. I hate that we will never go on road trips again, we'll never do any of that again because that's just the way life is.

I hate myself. I hate everything about myself.

_____

I just quit my job.

Real entry for today is here.

I'm pretty sure everyone at Jason's Deli wants me to die now, but thats okay. They can all kiss my ass.