lizwontcry | February 14th 2003

Damn, it's raining harder than a witch's teat out there. I can dig it.

I'm driving the 3 hours to Dallas today, and I am all kinds of excited up in this beyotch. I can't wait to see Charlie. I'm almost nervous about it! I haven't seen him in 6 weeks, and that's definitely a record. I feel bad, but I couldn't take him with me. We'll just see how he acts.

Last night I went to my church group and while we all talked, I realized that I really don't like myself very much. I realized that I need to sit down, make a list of my goals and dreams and shit, and do something everyday to achieve them. Obviously that's a big DUH to everyone else, but I just haven't taken the time to achieve that.

I think the biggest thing I need to do is let go. Let go of the past and focus only on the future. I'm so wrapped up in missing Claire and Matt and my old friends and thinking about all I've done to screw my life up, I don't think about the future anymore. It's just something that happens the day after today, and that's not cool. That's definitely not cool.

I have to let go of Matt. If I got anything from the conversation we had on Monday, it's that he's happy, and the reason that he's happy is because he has moved on, and he has let go of what could have been. I need to do that. I have to do that. It's been almost 4 months, and to be honest, if I ever want him back, I have to get my shit together and get to a point where I don't want him back. It makes sense to me.. I just think there's a greater probability of me getting him back if I don't ever think about getting him back, which is all I think about right now. I think about going back in August and us having lunch and then instantly falling back in love. But that won't happen if I keep doing what I'm doing.

So yeah. I need to get my shit together. Tonight or tomorrow night I'm going to snuggle in Donna's guestbed (I actually wrote "guestbook" there.) with Charlie, watch Bridget Jones Diary (I always like watching it over there for some reason) and I'm going to make a list of shit I need to do. It should be all kinds of exciting.

For now I have to take a shit and get ready for my meeting with Kyle the personal trainer.

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Do you know how many people that are probably having sex right now at this exact moment? Like, millions of people are having crazy "Ooohh you got me a diamond ring and some roses, I must give up the poontang now" kind of sex.

I am not having sex. I am eating pizza and drinking coke. I just got home from hanging out with Chris, whom I have not seen in 6 years. That's a long time not to see someone, but it was cool. We went to his house and played Vice City. That's a groovy game. Shooting hookers is good times, let me tell ya.

I am so happy to be back in Dallas. I found out that Chris lives 2 streets from where my dad's condo is. I love that about Dallas.. I know where everything is, I grew up here, I know things and people and places. I also got so happy when I could listen to my sports talk radio station.. I missed that the most, I think. Also, my puppy missed me. He was ecstatic when he saw me today, and that made me happy.

So now the big question lingering on my mind.. "Is he going to call me tomorrow, or is he not going to call me tomorrow?" Matt is doing his usual "I don't know if we're going to do anything tomorrow but I'll call you if anything changes" routine. I talked to him earlier and he said he wasn't feeling very good. I dunno. I want to see him. I want to prove to him that I can see him without trying to talk my way into his pants. I guess I'd kinda like to prove that to myself, as well.

Anyway, Dallas rocks. I'm going to go watch Spiderman and have myself some good times.