February 12th 2003

[lizwontcry]

This morning, I'm feeling rather ashamed of myself. I have a college degree, for fucks sake, and I have a barely above minimum wage job that I have to worry about paying my rent with. I suck. I'm a loser. I should have worked harder at school, I should have spent some of those weekends at Matt's studying instead of fucking reviewing diaries. But that's where I am right now, and I might as well deal with it.

You know, I've always looked at my future with an open mind. I've always thought that something will happen that is extradorinary, that will help me branch out, that will give me lots of money so I don't have to keep working at the same place for 30 years just to make enough money to pay the bills. But now I'm starting to see things differently. If I can only get a job at Jason's Deli now, what makes me think I'm ever going to make something of myself anywhere else? Guhh, whatever. We'll see what happens here after a month or two. I can't work there much longer than that or else I'm just going to feel like a pathetic crack monkey.

Anyway! In other news, yesterday I felt sexy. I wore this black shirt with short sleeves and it really made me feel good, like I've lost weight, like I look good. I have to buy some new jeans today because my other ones tore apart at the seams in the thigh. I don't think that's good, but whatever.

I miss Matt. Bah. He said he might go on a road trip this weekend because his girlfriend is going out of town and he doesn't want to feel pathetic sitting at home on Valentines Day. I'm just not even going to comment on that, I'm not. But I do want to see him, at least on Saturday, but I probably won't now. He's a road trip whore and if he has the chance, I'm sure he's going to take it.

I want to see him because I want to show him that I can see him without trying to get in his pants, even though I'm really not sure if I can. I think I can. And the fact that I look good is a good reason, but I haven't lost enough weight. I can't wait to come back in April in May when I can finally wear a tank top without being ashamed. That's the good part about starting the whole personal training thing so early in the year.. tank tops in the summer!

Well, anyway. I am somewhat happy.. I'm losing weight, I have a job where cute boys will want to get up in my business, and I haven't cried since Monday. But I wish I could get a job at a magazine or newspaper or even in an office, but what can you do. It's all good.

I can't wait until Friday. 2 days till then. 2 days until I pack my shit and drive 3 hours to see my puppy man. Then I start work on Monday.. I have no idea what time because she said 8, but I don't know if thats in the morning or at night.

GUHHHH.


_____


I just realized that I've been 23 for exactly 4 months now. What a 4 months, huh? I don't think there's been any time in my life where everything has changed so drastically.

4 months ago I was in a relationship, blissfully happy and dreaming about how it was going to be when I graduated and got to finally spend more time with Matt. I was kind of questioning my future, wishing I could get away for a while, but for the most part I was content with what I had. 2 weeks later, he would get the wheels moving for the break-up, and it would take me by the balls and surprise the shit out of me.

4 months ago I was still a senior in college, still floating by, still contemplating my future. I was doing reviews and basically just sticking my head up my ass.

4 months ago, I was taking advantage of the fact that I have actual friends and just spending as much time as possible either by myself or with Matt. I was eating as much as possible, not exercising, not caring about my appearance or my health or my future, just paying attention to how I had this 5 year relationship and that was all I needed in life.

4 months later, I'm living in the city that I've wanted to live in since I was 12 years old. I'm a college graduate. I'm doing intense workouts with Kyle the personal trainer, living in my own apartment, 200 miles from my support system. I was dumped, and finally my dumped identity is starting to seep out of my system. Finally I'm starting to look at my future and see myself as my own entity, not as a part of someone else. It's hard, but it's what I'm doing.

She gave me a shout out today, saying that I was going through a shitty time and she didn't think she could do it. but the truth is, you can do it. You just HAVE to do it. 4 months ago I didn't think I could be where I am today, out of my comfort zone, out of Matt's arms. I didn't think I'd have to. I thought I could live the rest of my life in Dallas with Matt, happily ever after. But it doesn't happen that way. And I guess, when it comes down to it, I'm really happy it doesn't happen that way.

It's like my favorite movies, Jerry Maguire and About a Boy. At the beginning, the protaganists think they're happy. They think they have everything they want, but it's all superficial. 4 months ago, all I cared about was Guns N Roses, getting a tattoo, getting Matt to talk about committment, and pizza. And now, I'm launched into a reality that I've never known before, that I've never dealt with before, and here I am. I don't have a choice, I HAVE to deal with it. The alternative is going home to Dallas with my tail between my legs, skipping out on my apartment and REALLY pissing my dad off. I can't do that. I have to deal with what I have here, and so far, I'm doing an okay job. Just okay and not great. But I'll do this.

And in the movie, they go through their times of failure and bad times, but then opportunities come their way to make things better in a different way. To make things happy, but in a less superficial way. In a way that everyone can deal with, and there's no doubt that this is the right thing to do. I'm not in that place right now.

I'm so not in that place that I wrote an email to Claire (old friend, that is) and she wrote back saying that she felt like since we were both in very different places in our lives and our happiness that I was actually trying to make her feel guilty for being succesful in her endeavors. Of course, that wasn't my intention, but thats what happened. But she's at a place where she has so much good stuff ahead of her, so many options, but she WORKED HER ASS OFF for it. She used to probably be about 250 pounds, and now she's lost about 100 of that. She used to be a lot of things, but now she's happy, she has self esteem, she has tons of friends, and she's happy with her life.

I want that. I want to be happy without knowing that it's due to someone else, and I know I'll get that eventually. It's hard to get there, and you only get back what you give. I'm learning that. I have to give more, I can't just sit here and hope that it just comes to me naturally. Because it won't.

That's my philosophizing for today.

*****

In other news, I think Kyle the personal trainer was trying to kill me today. It was my fault, I did cardio before I did weight lifting, and that kinda messes things up. I wouldn't suggest it.

But seriously, I did 2 miles in 33 minutes today. That's a record, people. That's 5 minutes less than my usual record. That's big time! I'm proud of myself. I still have a long way to go with this weight loss thing, but I know I'm on the right track. I just have to get that pesky food thing down and we'll be there.

Anyway. I'm volunteering tonight for the whole recording textbooks for blind people thing. Last time I went, I directed for the first time with someone there to help me, but by the end of the session, the dude that was helping me said I was ready to do it by myself. See, I learn fast! I rock.

I start working on Monday, at 8 AM. I'm a little nervous.. I don't know that area well at all, and I'm kind of a dumbass when it comes to maps. But it's all good.

I'm tired.