February 10th 2003 (mega post)

[lizwontcry]

Grrrr. Bah. Grrrr. Bah.

I am SO ANGRY. I think I might have gone from my denial stage to my anger stage in the past couple of days, and honestly, I'm not sure which stage I like better.

I guess it has to do with the fact that I wrote Matt this stupid email yesterday. I know, I know, I put myself in it and this is what happens. But I wrote him this email, and when he responded, he said that he wishes I could talk to him him so he could "help me get over my problems."

That's funny. He can help me get over the problems he caused in the first place.

So I IM him and I ask, "How do you think you can help me with this problem, Matthew? Your only advice is "Get a job, make friends." And he says, "Well, maybe if I tell you that enough you'll go do it."

Argghhh. I am SO MAD at him, and here's why: he gave up. I find myself getting mad at him everywhere now. At the grocery store when I was buying stuff to make fajitas last night. When I saw two red Dodge Rams in front of me on the street. When I hear Pink Floyd on the radio. He even took the pictures of Charlie down from his website, and those have been there for 3 years. That really shows me that he's OVER IT. He doesn't give a fuck anymore. He's moved on to his little frigid girlfriend who is his intellectual equal, but doesn't give him head and doesn't make good cheeseburgers.

He gave up. He didn't have enough confidence in us to believe that we could make it. And that makes me SO FUCKING MAD. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so mad.

God damnit. I'm so fucking tired of crying over this fucking asshole. So fucking tired of it. There's a constant dialog running through my head now.. it used to be "I'm so fat, I'm so fat, I'm so fat, I'm so fat," now it's "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him."

I HATE HIM. I hate everything he fucking stands for in my fucking life. I hate the fact that it took me 3 FUCKING MONTHS to get this angry. It took me 3 FUCKING MONTHS to realize that he's a fucking asshole and I don't need him in my life.

I can't take this shit. I fucking hate my life right now and if it doesn't change in the next week, I don't know.. I just don't know.

One of the employment agencies just called and asked if I wanted an assignment doing mail merge stuff with Word and Excel and I said NO! Because I only have a basic knowledge of the stuff. I am such an idiot, I should have said yes. I could have faked my way through it.

I hate Monday mornings. I don't want to be awake right now. I don't want to be crying right now. I wish I could sleep for another 8 hours and wake up in the dark instead of the sun. The sun exposes my fears and my anger and my confusion and my frustration, and I just want it to die.

It seems like I cry when I wake up every morning. Natalie, when I talked to her on Christmas Eve, one of the worst days of my life, said that I was allowed to cry. I could cry in the morning when I woke up, and then be done with it for the day. Except I cry ALL THE TIME.

The bottom line is this - I wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't good enough to maintain our relationship, I wasn't good enough to keep him intellectually, emotionally, and physically stimulated, and now he's with someone else. He doesn't care about me anymore. Why is that so hard for me to accept? Why can't I get over this? Why can't I move on?

I wrote him that email yesterday to explain why I wasn't talking to him anymore because I imagined him sitting at home being all sad that I wasn't talking to him, but the joke's on me. He doesn't care. He has his own life, his own things going on, and I've been out of it for so long that he's probably used to it now. He probably likes it now. I just hope that there are moments when it gets late at night and he has no one to talk to, he thinks of me. He thinks of how bad I hurt, how bad he hurt me, and how he gave up on us, and I hope he feels like shit.

_____

Okay, so I just wrote an entry, but I've been crying for like.. an hour straight. And I have to talk about it more.

I don't know why today is any different from any other days, but it's just so painful. I don't feel like I have what it takes to make it on my own. I've been here for a month and a half and I'm still no closer to finding a job. I can't get over Matt. I can't get over him. I can't.

I keep thinking about how he was my best friend, he was everything to me, and he rejected me. He didn't like who I was, and when your best friend doesn't even like who are, what can I do?

I can't make it on my own. I can't get a job, I can't get over my ex boyfriend, I can't do anything right. I can't even fucking stop crying for 5 minutes.

I'm even crying out to God, I'm asking him to help me, I'm asking him to take me and help me and let me forgive myself for not being good enough to make it with my best fucking friend.

I'm hurting so much.. I'm so fucking depressed and I don't know how to get over it. I don't know what to do. I can't fucking stop crying, I love him so much. I miss him so much.

I hope this is the turning point that makes me see what's going on. I hope all this crying at least accomplishes something, something to show me rock bottom, to show me that I have to move on or I'm just going to fucking wither.

I hate myself, and I hate my life, and I hate Matt. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate him so much.

______

Okay. I'm calm now.

I worked out. 11 minutes on the bike, 38 minutes on the treadmill, which equals 2 miles. I saw Kyle, said hi, said I needed to get some anger out of me. He was like, "Go take your anger out on the treadmills," and I'm like, "Okay, then let's have sex." Not really.

I went shopping. I bought some nice flowers for myself, some waffles, some bread, some turkey, Jane Magazine. I avoided buying Dr. Pepper and Kudos. I bought 2 lottery tickets, both of which lost. I did win $20 on a scratch off on Saturday, so I can't really complain about that.

Before I left, I almost sent Matt the most pathetic email of all time, but I didn't, and I'm happy about that. I'm just going to leave it alone. He's not used to me leaving it alone. My problem is that I can't get a momentum going.. I can't get past the 2nd day of not talking to him, and I have to be able to do that. Today is the 1st day, tomorrow is the 2nd day, and after that I should be okay. Or not. Who knows.

I really want this retail job. I haven't wanted a job this bad since I wanted to work at Express, and I managed to get that job with no references and no experience, so maybe this will work out for me. I need this job. I need to work with girls my age, talking to people all day, working on establishing structure in my life.

And I need a spiritual balance desperately, in the worst of ways. I need a way to feel good about myself, to have something inside of me that keeps me sane, that won't let me have break downs on Monday morning that last for almost 2 hours. I'm sure my neighbors enjoyed that.. I just hope the walls kept some of my misery inside them, and they didn't have to hear it. I think I'm going to email the pastor at my church and ask if there's someone I can talk to, because I really feel like there's not. I feel like I'm intruding on everyone, that everyone thinks I'm a pain in the ass because I should be over it by now.

I can't even talk about it here without some jackass signing the guestbook and making me feel worse. Thanks, Alice. Thanks for bringing me down when I was already going through something bad. I thought Diaryland was meant to bring people together, to get help from those surrounding you. Not for people to kick me when I'm already down. What's the point of that? What's the point of making someone feel worse about life in general? I mean.. fucking A.

Anyway. This is my 3rd and final entry for today. I'm calm. I have nothing else to do today but obsess over jobs and then at 7:30, go to the gym again. When I got to Dallas on Friday I want to be able to at least show my dad something.. that I was able to lose at least a little weight, that I was able to at least get some kind of job.

Bah.

______

*burp*

My 4th entry for today..

I dunno. I just need to get it together. I went to the place where I really wanted the job and I talked to the owner, but she really didn't seem too enthusiastic about hiring someone with no retail experience. Before I even left the store I started crying. (Not in front of her or anything, let's not be silly.) I cried the 20 minutes home, I called my mom and cried to her. Through my tears, I IMed Matt because it seemed like he was the only person who I could possibly talk to right now about this stuff. The only person who knows me well enough to calm me down.

And you know what? He did. And he didn't say anything that would lead me to believe that we have a future together any time soon, so don't think that's what made me feel better. His girlfriend is still pissing him off, but that's not the point. Even if he does break up with her, he'll just find someone else, and it won't be me, at least not in the next 6 months. Probably more than that, I dunno. But he said he's happy. He said he's finally picking up the pieces and moving on, and by me not doing that as well, I'm "devaluing the relationship." Well, it made since to me, anyway.

But he calmed me down. He made me stop crying. And something else might trigger it, but for now I'm okay. I'm thinking of asking Kyle the personal trainer to hang out with me sometime just because he's nice to me and I want a new friend.

And I talked to my dad.. I guess my mom called him and told him I was sobbing my guts out, so he called and made me feel better too. I really wish that I could get some kind of job soon so I can feel good about myself, so I can have some kind of base to build on, to make things better for myself. So I don't have to depend on a male (Matt, my dad, Kyle the personal trainer) to make me feel better about myself.

I am really fucked up right now. But I'm just homesick. Hopefully going to Dallas on Friday will help that. I am going to see Matt, I'm pretty sure. I think we might do some secret shopping or some shit. And I get to see my puppy man, one Mr. Charlie. I can't wait to see him.. I hope he's not too mad at me.

Anyway.. I'm going to lie down for a few mintues and try to get myself together. This crying all day thing really isn't all that fun. I wouldn't reccomend it to anyone, really. I was feeling slightly suicidal today, but I think I'm over the worst part of it.. and I'm not really a suicidal person anyway, mainly because I have a strong belief that things will get better, and that I will be happier. I mean, things can't really suck much more than this, right?

Well, they can. I don't want to jinx it.

Anyway. Shutting up now.