February 7th 2003

[lizwontcry]

Other people's relationships are really starting to anger me. And fascinate me. And it's just really getting on my nerves.

Like, if I am watching TV or a movie and I see a new couple who just fell in love, I start thinking.. there's probably someone else involved in that relationship that got hurt as a result of it. There's probably someone who was sitting at home and crying because their mate, the one they thought they'd spend the rest of their life with, is with someone else.

And then there's people who have been together for a long time. I get bitter with them. I wonder how they did it, how they keep a relationship for so long, what's their secret? And I wonder why I couldn't keep my own relationship from disintegrating, why I couldn't keep my best friend, practically my only friend, from dumping me and finding someone who I believe might be his intellectual equal? Why couldn't I have my shit together enough, why did I have to let myself go? Why am I not good enough to hold on to this relationship that meant so much to me?

And then there's the whole affair issue. I get so mad when I see people having affairs on TV. Just the whole dance of emotions that gets involved with human relationships.. it's all shit. It all pisses me off.

I look at society and friendships and romantic relationships, and it all makes me angry. There's no rhyme or reason, there's no point. You can think you're happy with this person and you can think they're happy with you, but all of a sudden, they just up and leave. And it shocks you into submission. And then when you really think about it, you start to realize that it wasn't all of a sudden, it was coming for a long time. You think about it and you remember signs that your former partner wasn't happy, that they were drifting away, and that your relationship was destined to end anyway.

And you think about their new relationship and you know you should be happy that they're in love, because you love them and if you love them you want them to be happy. I read this quote once somewhere where it talked about.. if you love someone, you have to love them so much that you have to love the love they have for someone else. That's always stayed with me, and even if it is bullshit, it's sort of true. If you really and truly LOVED this person, wouldn't you be ecstatic that they were happy with someone else, someone that wasn't you, someone that could make them happier than you ever could? Should I be happy for the person who used to talk about how we'd raise our kids together, and how he'd build me a puppy room when we bought a new house together? Should I be happy for him when I know that this relationship he has with her could really last, could really bloom into something extremely serious, something more serious than he had with me even after 5 years? Can I be happy for something like that?

I mean, where do we cross the line? Where do we cross the line of being unhappy to happy? When do we finally let ourselves believe that it's going to be okay without our life support, the person who stood by us even when we got shitty grades, gained 40 pounds, neglected all our friends, and was basically an emotional nutcase half the time we were together? When do we finally let ourselves believe that there isn't a future with this person, that when we finally move back to the place we moved from to escape his ghost, he's not going to be there waiting with the keys to the new house and the puppy room?

When do we finally give up on it? When do we finally say to ourselves, "It's okay, you are a whole person without him, you can move on now, you don't need him in your life to be happy?" When do we finally admit to ourselves that it's over and that it will always be over no matter what we hope and dream and wish?

This is my bitterness right now. This is my state of mind. When couples would pass me by in the past, when I saw different couples on TV in the past, I couldn't care less. Or I'd maybe even smile knowing that I was part of a couple, and that since I was part of a couple, I was whole. I had everything I need. I'd look in the mirror and know that everything was okay, because he was always my shadow.

I unblocked him today just to tell him that I thought it might be a good idea not to talk for a while. First he said, "I'm going to miss you." Then he turned it around on me and said, "Message me when you feel like you can have a mature conversation." It's not about maturity. It's about knowing that I have the confidence in myself to not get upset about his life situation.