August 30th 2001

Awww, everyone join the love circle. Can you feel the love? Can you? CAN YOU FEEL IT?!!

I've just been in a really reflective mood as of late. It's just interesting how things change in life, but really, nothing changes that much.

In other news, why is it that i always seem to be caught with my pants down? Everytime someone knocks on the door or some such, there I am, with no pants on, then I have to yell "Hold on!" while I struggle to find my pants and put them on. This has happened many times lately. What must the other people be thinking? "What the hell is she doing in there?" But, come on. Why should I have to wear pants if I live by myself? What's the point? I like to have as little clothes on as possible. Damnit, people, can't you come by when I at least have my fucking pants on?

It has rained everyday this week. Can you tell that I'm getting turned on more and more as the days go by? And it's supposed to rain this weekend, too. BB and I went to a high school football game and it rained a little during the game. It probably didn't get higher than 85 degrees today. In August, people are wearing jackets. It's just such an amazing event that is should be document. By me. Here, in diaryland.

My dad called me tonight at 11:30. It was depressing. I assume he was drunk off his ass. I told BB that I was worried about him, and he was like, "What? He was just drunk! He just got home, heard the message from you, and not knowing what time it was, called you. He's probably sad because his son is gay, his daughter doesn't appreciate him, his ex wife doesn't love him anymore, and he doesn't really have anyone to talk to, and the only thing that he really did love burned down in a fire!" That actually made me cry. My poor dad. I don't know what anyone can do to make him happy.

I'm going to go transfer some more of my poems over now, for everyone's enjoyment and perhaps amusement.

I really need to call Angel Boy. He hasn't called me back, but maybe he erased my number or something. But I think I really need to see him. I miss him, and if I've learned anything lately, it's that fact that if you want people in your life, you have to make the effort to keep them there.

Here's an unsentletter that I "unsent" today to him:

Ryan -

What makes a person unforgettable? Is it their eyes, is it their character, their car, their house?

Or is it the way they affect another person's life? The way they come in and change everything, make it so never again will anything ever be the same.

I knew. I knew the second I saw you sitting on the bench at the mall that my life had changed forever.

Yes, I know. When I was 15 and you were 17. we didn't even have that great of a relationship. I called you a million times a day, you never called me. I was jealous of all the female friends you had. You would stand me up, or be an hour late. But I loved you, and you loved me, and I knew that in some kind of way. You never pushed me too far sexually, even though it was more than clear that I wanted it, and I will always respect that.

I dreamed about you last night. You got married. I went to your wedding and cried the whole night. I'm 21. I met you 6 years ago, and I can't forget you. I can't forget the way I feel when I'm around you, like we were meant to me together. I haven't seen you for a year, but I know I will see you again, because you'll always be in my life.

I will always wonder what could have been. I know it's probably too late now. I have a good relationship with my boyfriend, and I don't think I'd jeopardize that. I tried to initiate something all those years ago, when we worked together, but it wasn't meant to be.

It's so frustrating to know in my heart that we were somehow meant to be together, yet we're not.

You are in my dreams, and in my heart. I will never forget you, and I know someday soon I'll see you again. I have thought about you every single day since the moment I met you, and I want you to know that.

But somehow, I think you already do know that. And maybe you feel the same way. Maybe, in your heart, you wish things could have been different too. But they weren't. And so we're destined to just be like this. Like this, forever in each other's universes, bound by destiny, but never destined to be together.

Love,Elizabeth

_________________________

I would like to thank Kat once again for her kind, caring words. You made me want to cry tonight. I'm glad we can start over. You came to my 13th birthday party, you know. Along with Amanda, Linda, and Christine (god how annoying was she!). Do you see them writing captivatingly honest things about me here? Nope. I thank you for your honesty.

And maybe someday we'll actually hang out or something! :)

August 31st 2001

Well, hello.

I kinda wanted to wait until midnight to write so I wouldn't have two entries for today, but umm.. that sucks, so here I am.

I went to the first real high school football game tonight with BB. This is the school that BB gets obsessive and crazy and wacko about. When it's not high school football season, it's "4 months, 2 days, 12 hours, 5 minutes, and 2 seconds from high school football season!" I don't know why it intrigues him so much. But it does, and it's just something I'll have to put up with for the next 3 months. The biggest game of the year is on my birthday (October 12th, people!), and I have no doubt what we'll be doing that night. Sad, I know. But 2 weeks later we'll be going to Reno (hopefully) and gambling and eating free food and such, so that'll make up for that.

Well, the game wasn't too bad. He pays attention to the game and I pay attention to the people. Tonight it was a bunch of 16 and 17 year old high school kids. What I noticed was how all the guys are starting to resemble Boy Bands. Like, in a hardcore way. And they're all touchy feely with other guys. This did not happen when I was in high school. Some of the ways these boy band guys dressed.. no. It just did not used to be cool. It's a little scary, really. And the girls.. my god, did they just paint on their clothes or what? It looked like they got the smallest size they could find and squeezed their big giant boobs into it.

Or maybe I'm just bitter cuz I wasn't that cool in high school. I mean, I was kinda cool. I knew a lot of people, had a good group of friends. I was in orchestra, on the yearbook, in Peer Helpers. I made crappy ass grades, but I enjoyed it for the most part. But I wasn't the type that would go to football games every Friday and hang out with the people I've known since elemantary school, like these people tonight seemed to. This is what I do. At every football game. Torture myself because I could never be as young and beautiful as those people are.

I have lovely self esteem, don't I?

And the crickets were out tonight. It was just gross. They were swarming. They give me the creeps. *Cringe*

So,

Roadiepig! , I already am kinda into high school football, it's probably just not the way you had in mind. :)

Google hits for the day:

"Why am I so bitter" (how appropriate)

and

"He fingered me."

People sure do search for some wacky ass things these days, don't they? I think I'm going to submit that to

Oddgoogle and such.

I started writing a new story last night, during the other high school football game we went to. I figured I wanted to work on the one I've been trying to write for a million years a little longer, so I just pulled another one out of my ass since I have to turn one in on Tuesday. Thank god for Labor Day, so I can have some more time to write the damn thing.

Today I watched the greatness of two movies on BB's roommate's DVD player: Con Air and the Breakfast Club. Oooh, how I used to love me some Judd Nelson. He was such a fucking bad ass in that movie, and he made me all hot. I'm not quite sure about him getting together with Molly Ringwald, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Con Air - "My birthday is July 18th. My daddy is coming home on July 18th. I will be happy on July 18th." "I told you not to touch the bunny." I dunno. It's crap, but I love it. John Malkovitch is awesome.

A moment of silence, please. Tommorow, September 1st, is my Charlie's (my golden retriever/cocker spaniel puppy dog) 2nd birthday. Actually, I'm not sure when he was born, cuz I don't really know his original owner, but September 1st sounds about right. He is my little boy. He rocks. BB and I are going to my dad's house to give him a little party. Awww. I love my doggy.

Random stuff:

My 5 favorite months of the year, in ascending order:

5. May

4. September

3. November

2. December

1. October

My favorite years of school, in ascending order:

5. 5th grade

4. 3rd grade

3. 10th grade

2. 12th grade

1. 9th grade

My favorite Golden Girls Episodes, in no particular order:

5. The one where Blanche finds out her brother is gay

4. The one where Blanche refuses to leave her old childhood house so the city can bulldoze it

3. The one where Rose gets a dog and brings it to the hospital where she works

2. The one where Dorothy tries out for Jeopardy

1. The one where Sofia tells a funny story, Blanche has sex, Rose does something dumb, and Dorothy has a sarcastic comment (oh wait.. that was all of them.)

I'll shut up now.