September 21st 2003

Since I pretty much have a ton of crap on my mind right now and it's all quite serious and depressing and I just don't know what to do with it, here's a simple pop-culture like entry for fun loving times.

I think I have become fascinated with Courtney Cox. Like, 2 seasons ago when she and Chandler first got married. She is so purty! I think almost hotter than Jennifer Aniston. I don't know. I love her hair. I wanted to tell my hair chick yesterday that I wanted my hair to be Courtney Cox-like, but I don't know if I can pull that off. Like, long and layered and generally really nice and stunning and crap.

And do you think she ever looks at her life and says, "How did Jennifer get to marry Brad and somehow I got stuck with David Arquette?" Maybe not.

I am sooo beyond tired right now. I just don't understand the nerve of the stupid college kids who party all night right outside my window basically. Don't they know that people actually live in this apartment, and they actually try to sleep sometimes? I just don't get that. Can't they go to someone's house or something? I don't appreciate not going to bed until 3 AM because that's when I manage to get the screams and the declarations of "Man, you need to fucking cool off!" out of my head.

I didn't mean to go off on a rant there.

I can't get Hillary Duff's "So Yesterday" out of my head. This isn't good news.

I saw "Anything Else" tonight, because I do that. First of all, Christina Ricci is hot. Second, I figured out that Woody Allen totally reminds me of my stepdad, minus that whole incestuous falling in love with his adopted daughter thing. But, you know.

I doon't know. I got a new paper diary tonight at Barnes and Noble, and my head is exploding from all kinds of things I want to talk about, things I want to get off my chest, things I want to work out, things I don't understand.. but I'm beginning to understand that those thoughts aren't for this kind of venue. It makes me sad, in a way, because I've always shared almost everything with you guys. But the stuff that is inside my brain right now.. you don't want to know. I don't even want to know.

So I will shut up, and go to bed, and wake up, and do it all over again.

*****

Blah.. I'm feeling very lonely this morning. It's raining and beautiful and September and I just feel like I'm on auto-pilot or something.

I want to go back to Dallas. I really do like Austin for what it is - a place of transition, a place to stand out in a place where everyone stands out, so that you can no longer stand out and just become part of a crowd. I dig that. But I don't know.. I'm either past that, or not ready for that. I feel like I've never been ready for the events in my life and I never adjust well to them happening anyway.

I have 4 months left here. I hate thinking about it that way, but it's hard not to. I think it's almost pointless to find a job, but that's what I have to do. I don't want to. And when I don't want to do things, I sabotage them so that I don't have to do them. Fun, isn't it?

I have my WinAmp on, and since I don't have any room left on my hard drive for any more songs, it hasn't been updated in about a year. And Bob Seger's "We've Got Tonight" just came on and I had to turn it off because it makes me miss Matt too much. I wish I could have woken up next to him today, so I could wake up to the rain and September and the man I love right next to me. But I haven't talked to him in 2 days, he's 200 miles away, and that sucks.

And my best friend is in the hospital, and that makes me feel so helpless, and again, I'm 200 miles away from making any kind of difference in her life, and it's selfish of me to even care about me being there because it's all about her, and there's nothing I can do anyway, but it still makes me feel helpless and scared and I don't know.

This is the most random entry ever. But it feels right.

I don't really have the right to feel lonely. In about 20 minutes I'm going to church. Later, I'll hang out with my brother and his puppy dog. Yesterday, my mom came to visit. I have friends. I have family. But I still feel so lonely. I want to go home. But I don't really know where "home" is, exactly. Which kinda sucks.

I'll stop blabbering now. And I'm going to post the lyrics to "Don't Cry" because I was just listening to it and I was blown away by what an awesome song it is, still, almost 12 years later.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"When we got gas tonight, there were crickets all over the place. It was really quite disgusting. And there were like 3 of them outside my door, the drivers side if you will, and I didn't want to take the chance of having one fly on me or something, so I actually got in on BB's side and climbed over to my place. Pathetic, I know, but I REALLY FUCKING HATE CRICKETS DAMNIT! Good god almighty!"

What was Liz doing 2 years ago?

"I'm addicted to Super Mario Brothers. I just love Nintendo in general, how you have to blow inside it and then blow on the game, tap it on your head, rub it on your breasts, do a voodoo curse on it, and sprinkle it with holy water before it'll actually work. Anyway, what could be more entertaining than Super Mario? You can throw fireballs at flying fish and little wierd looking monster things, and you can go swimming and climb vines and go down little holes and everything! It's just a bucketful of fun! Woooeee."

*****

Okay, my night was really quite odd.

Back when I was in 8th grade, I went to this basketball camp because I thought of myself as a new and emerging basketball star. The camp was held by Nancy Lieberman Klien, this awesome basketball chick.

Anyway, the point is, I was totally in awe of Ms. Klien and even more in awe of the fact that she'd come to this camp everyday. I even bought her biography and I thought it was totally surreal when she came up and started a conversation with me while I was reading her biography.

Now, the point of all that is to tell you that tonight I got to watch the new HBO show, Freshman Diaries, with one of the stars of the show! That's right, I'm cool now. If any of you are familiar with the show, it's the token gay guy, Neal. The show is about freshman kids who go to UT, which, of course, is in Austin.

My brother knows this guy from somewhere because apparently all gay people know each other. So my brother picked him up somewhere and we all hung out at my brother's house and watched the show together. It was entertaining, yes it was. The guy was like cowering in fear when his scenes came on. He was so cutely embarrased. He was a really nice guy, though.

Anyway. That is my story. Watching a reality TV show with one of its stars. And before that came on, Carnivale was on and I got to watch a shirtless Nick Stahl. So my night was all kinds of crazy.

In other news, I received the bestest review ever today. Read it! Good!

So, I meant to go to church today. I actually got dressed and brushed my hair and got in the car and drove there, but I had a lot on my mind this morning and I drove right past the exit, and by the time I got off at the next exit and got lost trying to find my damn church that I've been going to for almost 9 months, it was too late and church had started. So I took the next 2 hours of my life to drive around Austin, looking around at the stuff I've never seen before, in the rain. The rain was awesome.. it made me feel so much better about life in general.

Anyway, I went to this place called Mt. Bonnell, which is a little mountain thing overlooking the most expensive houses in Austin. Seriously, these houses are CRAZY. I've never really been a "EAT THE RICH!" kind of girl, but seeing these houses just made me mad. They were way too extravagent. I mean, that's so stupid of me.. if I had that kind of money, I'd probably do the same thing, but for now I'm just like.. ugh. Damn rich people.

Here's a picture from the top of the mountain. Really look at these houses, people. You'll be amazed. (I found the picture here.)

And I talked about it with my brother later.. I said that if I were to want to kill myself (and apparently lots of people do on that particular mountain) I'd want to do it there, so I can fall into the rich people's backyard and they'd have to deal with me.

Morbid thoughts are fun, aren't they?

I enjoyed my drive around. I think I'm going to do that more often on Sundays. It's purty.

That is all for now.