March 20th 2003

I really don't like today. I know I should be positive and strong and optimistic about my future, but that's just hard today. It's not any different from yesterday or the day before... I haven't really talked to Matt all week, and I still have this crappy job that I have to wake up at 6:30 for, and I still have 4 months looming ahead of me. I don't know.. I'm just not looking forward to anything right now. Although there is a fish fry at work today. Color me happy!

I'm preparing myself for the worst in the Matt situation. The decision time is coming closer.. it may have already been made, I don't know.. I'm the last person to know these things. I talked to a counselor from my church yesterday, and it was nice. Talking to a diary is one thing, but to get all my feelings out to a real person.. that's good times. And it just made it abundantly clear that I need to get my head out of my ass here. I'm waiting for someone to choose me, but he's only going to choose me if the other girl doesn't want him. I'm the second choice. And it's wrong for me to be okay with that.

I know all that.. I know everything there is to know about what I should do, and how I should feel, and what I should be saying to him, but I'm not doing any of that. I'm so totally and completely in love with him, I see a future filled with road trips and cuddling and happy times.. that my eyes are clouded, and I can't do anything about it. I'm paralyzed.

But I have been rehearsing what I'll say to him when I find out they're back together. I won't be bitchy, I won't freak out.. at least not so he can see it. I'll just tell him that I can't talk to him for a while, and maybe after I've spent some time getting my life back together, we can be friends. Because really.. 5 years is a long time to spend your life with someone. I don't want to lose him forever, but I'll have to lose him for a little while while I work on myself.

It's such a shitty situation. I have to keep reminding myself that even when we were together, I was doubtful about our relationship sometimes. I wasn't sure if he was right for me. And I'm still not 100% sure.. we still struggle to find things to talk about when we eat dinner together. That's a big problem. And I really need to find a way to focus on being in Austin. This is what I wanted, and I'm about to fuck it up just like I fucked college up. I really need to re examine my priorities here, you know?

I'm sad. I'm not depressed, I'm not happy, I'm not angry.. I'm just sad.

In other news.. I was a little irritated that as part of Hardcore March, I can't rent any movies, and 8 Mile is out now. So I just went and bought it. Creative problem solving rules!

In the what I was doing a year ago feature today, I tell you why I am in love with Austin. If that's not good times, I don't know what is.

I have to go to work now. Yay fish.

******

What was Liz doing a year ago?

Anyway.. I'm now going to launch into Austin: A Love Story. Because I'm a dork.

The first time I went to Austin was when I was 12, and my brother was 18. It was time for him to head off to college, and he had picked the University of Texas. We all packed up the Suburban and made the 3 hour trip.

I fell in love with it right away. I was fully into my rebellious Guns N Roses stage of life at the time, and Austin appealed to me in that way. I liked the college and the people and everything about it. It was good times.

I should have taken that more seriously. I really should have said to myself, "You really want to go here, you should get good grades and strive to be the best you can so you can end up here!" But no. I didn't. Anyway.

I've been there every year since I was 12, sometimes more than once. And I feel like it's my place of destiny.

Other Austin memories I have: I went there for a journalism conference my junior year in high school. I was dating Psycho Boy at the time, and he was being psycho about me going because my kinda ex boyfriend was going too. Well, it turned out he had a reason to be a little jealouos, because me and the kinda ex got a little cuddly and flirtacious. In fact, we made everyone else on the trip sick with all our affection. I think I did that because I was so tired of being in a psycho relationship.

I also fell in love with UT more on that trip, cuz I took some journalism classes there that weekend. It was awesome, I was so in love with that friggin school.

When I got back from that trip, I got my first car. That doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but I just thought it was cool.

The next time I went was in July of 97, when my mom had finally had enough of me and BB's relationship. Which was good, because I had a bag packed and was just about to run the hell away from there anyway. This relationship had gotten to a really bad point. I was fired from my job because I was always late, due to him keeping me on the phone and threatening me if I left and all this other wierdo stuff. So my mom decided enough was enough and she sent me to Austin with my brother for a week.

That was good. I wrote poetry and hung out and saw movies and bonded with my brother. That was when he first told me he was gay. Before that, believe it or not, I had no clue.

Anyway, I like Austin. I think I'm getting over the whole soulmate city thing, though. When I was over by UT and looking at the University of Texas shirts, it seemed like "North" was missing in there somewhere. UNT sounds better than UT, right? Right?!

But I dig it. I have my own little routines when I go there. One of them is getting supremely lost on the maze of highways they have over there, but I usually can find my way back.

I'm going to shut up now.

____

I just deleted my last two entries because I can do that.

The deal is that I have to change the way I'm going about things. I have to prioritize, I have to have a plan. I have to get right with God, I have to make friends, I have to get a job that better suits me, and I have to take everyone's advice about Matt and JUST STOP TALKING TO HIM.

They fired me, but thats okay. I just don't have what it takes to be a secretary. Maybe they didn't like the fact that I was always online or playing games or whatever, but what the hell else am I supposed to do when they don't give me anything to work on? So I need a job that:

a. Doesn't include a mean boss that doesn't say more than 3 words to me all day.

b. doesn't involve filing

c. Doesn't make me wake up at 6:30 AM

d. Utilizes my actual skills

e. etc.

I will be back on Monday with a plan. I will get my life in order, I will make it through this. This is obviously my lowest period of life in general, but I'll get through it. If I have to stay here another 7 months after my lease is up just to get it right, that's what I'll have to do.

I think it says a lot that I left a tearful voice mail for Matt over 2 hours ago and he still hasn't called me back.

That is all. I'm not going to write this weekend when I'm in Denton.. I'm just going to stay away from the computer. I wrote this long email to Matt, which I guess I'll share with you guys, and that's it. I'm finished with it. Matt is my ex-boyfriend, and people don't talk to their ex boyfriends. That's just how it is.

So I'll talk to you guys on Monday. Have a great weekend.

*****

Subj: Disregard voice mail..

Date: 3/20/2003 8:54:13 PM Central Standard Time

From: Me

To: Matt

I'm sorry I bothered you tonight.. it's wrong of me to try to bring you into my problems. That's not your job anymore, it's not your responsibility. You haven't talked to me much this week, and I should take that cue.. I should learn that I'm just not a part of your life anymore. I know you're probably back together with Lori.. or near getting back together.. hell, you were probably with her tonight.. and I just don't really play a role anymore. Besides.. I can pretend to have my shit together all I want, but I just don't. I'm far from getting my shit together. And if having my shit together is a prerequisite to be with you.. I guess I have a long way to go. I was trying so hard.. I felt like I was almost there, almost on track.. and I'm not. With the way things are going, I don't know if I'll ever be.

I have to stop depending on you.. I have to stop thinking and hoping that I'm worthy enough for your love. I love you, but that isn't enough. Sitting in Bailey with you on Sunday.. it was incredible. It was like nothing had changed. I haven't lost any feelings for you, none at all. But the problem with that is that it has to be two-sided, and I recognize that it's not.

So I'll leave you alone for a while.. I wish you the best with Lori. I hope this time around goes better for you guys, because you both deserve it. I have such good memories of us, and our 5 years together.. all the places we've been, all the experiences we've had, all the fajitas we ate, all the hotels we got it on in.. you changed me in an important way, although it just doesn't show yet. I hope that eventually we can be friends, because I don't want to lose the person who knows me inside and out, and still loved me in spite of that. You made me feel beautiful, sexy, intelligent, and most of all.. happy. Now you can give that to Lori, and I know she'll appreciate it just as much as I do.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and go to Denton, where I'm going to spend the weekend. Monday I'm going to start all over again, and it'll be good times.

I love you, Matthew.. I really completely and truly love you for who you are, what you've made of yourself, what you want to make of yourself, and how you affect everyone around you. You are so special, so intelligent, and there's so much you're going to accomplish in your life, we all know this. If you ever feel down, just know that there's someone out there who knows how generous, loving, intelligent and special you are.