February 15th 2003

Okay, now I know why I live in Austin.

Why? Because it's so frustrating being here, being within a 15 minute proximity from Matt and wondering, obsessing over why he hasn't called me yet, why he isn't seeing me, why he doesn't even want to see me. I'm here! I haven't been here for 6 weeks! Doesn't he even want me to come over and get the magazines that are undoubtedly piling up and making a mess? Doesn't he want to see me at all, see how pretty I look today, go to lunch with me, chat about things?

Obviously he doesn't.

And I'm so guilty of doing obsessive stalker girl activities. I drove past his house twice, saw his truck, saw his roommate's truck. I came back to Donna's only for one reason.. to get online and see if he wanted to talk to me. I'm obsessed. I'm crazy. I'm frustrated. I want to see him so bad, to hug him, to kiss hiim on the cheek, to show him that I'm capable of handling myself a lot better than the last 3 times we hung out.

I'm thisclose to IMing him and asking him if at least doesn't he want me to come over and rid him of the whole magazine problem? I'm not going to. Really. Well, I probably am.

But I realize why I live in Austin. I had this behavior for at least 2 months after he dumped me and before I left. I would sit around all day wondering why he didn't want to see me, and at least when I live in Austin, I obsess over completely different things. This is driving me insane. I want to see him so bad and he just doesn't freaking want to! I hate this. I hate being such an obsessive psycho woman. And that's just so totally what I am.

How did I end up like this? How did I end up as an obsessive freak who cares so much about her ex boyfriend's opinion of her that she can't stop obsessing over why he's not talking to her!

I mean, seriously! Donna lives 10 minutes from him. The thing I came to see this weekend, Ticketstock, is 5 minutes from him. It's literally on the same street he lives on.

Guhhh. I just don't know what to do with myself. It's like my whole life has just become killing time until the next moment that I have that will make me obsess over something else. Killing time, that's all I do anymore. My dad and I aren't going to dinner until 7:30, what do I do with the 6 1/2 hours until then?

Fuck. That's what I say. Fuck.

Update: I did finally IM him and we're going to have lunch in a little while. It's going to be weird. I look good, though. Casual good. When I saw him last time I was all business casual, like I was going to a job interview or something. So I feel good and I look good and damnit, things are going to be fucking good, damnit. Rawr.

____

Okay, I know you're all dying to know how it went.

Lunch went well. Very very well. Matt met me at El Fenix, we shared some witty banter and fajitas, and all was well. He said I looked "very beautiful" and that's always a nice thing to hear from your ex. He brought me this huge bag of stuff that he found in his room, and I'm just not going to look at it yet. Contained in that bag is the posterboard from Relationship Jeopardy, this thing he made up for me on our 1 year anniversary. So I'm just going to avoid that bag for a while.

But I think it went better than I expected. I wasn't nervous, and I didn't fall down in tears, and we smiled and joked about the past, and I enjoyed it. We hugged before we left and it was just one of those longing hugs that I just have to get used to. I wanted it to last for hours, that hug that he gave me. But it only lasted a minute, and it was cold and windy, and we retreated to our cars and went our seperate ways.

It was the perfect way to have lunch. I looked great, I managed to keep the conversation civil, I didn't make snide remarks about his girlfriend situation, and it was just good times. Like I said, the perfect state to keep our relationship in at the moment - if it's frozen in time like this, it will be after a lunch where I managed to not be nervous, not fuck anything up, and not talk about getting into his pants. So there ya go.

I'll just say this.. it gave me a lot of hope. It made me think that 5 1/2 months isn't such a long time, and it made me think that I will have a fair chance when I get back. I know I have a lot of things he's looking for in a chick, and I know he'll be thinking about those things when I come back. And of course, when I come back I'll be 30 or 40 pounds lighter and I'll be happy because I finally let it go. And I'm going to let it go. Because I know I have to if I ever want to grow.

I know that makes no sense to anyone but me. But that's okay. Because it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. You dig?

I can dig it.