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January 15th 2003
Jan. 15th, 2003 12:07 amI actually slept a whole 8 hours last night without waking up once to pee or check my email! *GASP*
I base this small victory on a few things. First of all, I worked out a couple of hours before I went to bed and I was exhasted. Second, it was like the 12th night in a row that I've slept in my own bed, and that hasn't happened in about 5 years. Every single weekend I'd either sleep at Matt's or at my mom's or dad's. I'd never go more than 6 nights in a row sleeping in my own bed. It's very interesting, this sleeping in my own bed thing. Very interesting.
And it also could have been the conversation me and Matt had last night. First of all, he initiated it, which rocks. And it was a good conversation, very honest and crap.
But for a while there, I TOTALLY felt like Angela after she and Jordan Catalano broke up. Remember, she'd let him talk about Frozen Embryos and the problems that he was having because she just wanted to have something to talk to him about, and she just wanted to be there for him? That was so totally me last night.
He's having issues with school and lazyness, which I don't understand. At my college graduation, there were FIVE people who graduated with a 4.0. Matt graduated with a 4.0. He had a 4.0 for years, and it was simply amazing to me. I hardly ever saw him study, he never went to class unless he had to, he took most of his classes online, and all his teachers were in love with him. So I just tried to boost his ego a little and tell him how special he is, but he's still a little depressed about life in general about stuff.
When I was going through my two month "When the hell is he going to ask me to come over" stage of life, I kept a different diary, over here. (It's passworded.. if you really want the password let me know.) I saved all our IM conversations and just generally wrote all my really sad entries over there. I'm glad I did, because I can see how far I've come, and really, I have come far. I used to be so angry at him and myself, but I'm not angry at him anymore. I know he had to take risks and one of those risks was dumping me, and it wasn't personal, and all this other stuff. I love him too much to be mad at him.
