July 25th 2001

Well, my friends, I have discovered Diaryland chat. It makes me all happy inside, because it makes me think of my Matchmaker.com days, when I met like 80 people that I chatted with. Thay may be pathetic, but it makes me happy. I feel like I am wanted, and being wanted is always a good thing. Come there and talk to me, it'll make your day!

Join burplovin, the diaryring that gives and gives.

And sign my guestbook, for crying out loud!

For a week there, nobody was reading my diary. But now you guys are again, and for that, I thank you.

Psycho Boy is on ICQ tonight, for the first time in 4 or 5 months. I wonder how long it'll take for him to message me. Or if he'll message me at all. I'm feeling paticulary snotty towards him tonight since I've been reading my old diary from when we were together. For your edification, at the bottom of this entry I will include another page of my 17 year old ramblings. I don't know if anyone cares about them, but it's entertaining to me.

Sign my guestbook!

I did absolutly nothing worth anything today, except work out, which I do every day. I went to the temp place and they said I had to be in an office job for at least a year before I can get a job with them doing data entry, but I could do some light industrial jobs instead if I wanted to! Thanks, I'll do that. I didn't even call Angel boy, like I told myself I would if he didn't call by today. I will tommorow, I swear!

I am listening to a live Guns N Roses CD, and Axl said, "Come on, you know what I like!" Oh yeah baby, I know what you like, come to mama.

Here is an entry from February 12, 1997, for your enjoyment.

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Okay, it's time we had a serious chat. Me and Psycho Boy are in a serious situation, and I don't know if I can take much more of this. I know I should not have had sex with him, because this is making it harder for me to break up with him. I think I'm going to have to. He is controlling my life. He doesn't ever want me to talk to Best Friend or see Best Friend or do anything with anybody but him. He can't change. He's tried, and he can't. So maybe we have to break up. This is driving me crazy. I've tried to break up with him, but it never works. I can't. I need him. Maybe not more than he needs me, but plenty.

Today, best friend came over to give me ice cream. I wasn't talking to Psycho Boy at the time because he had to some work on his house. So she came over and stuff, and he called and got mad because she was there, and hung up on me. When Best Friend left, I called him and he was still mad. He hung up on me again, yelling at me. I paged him 4 times with the "I love you" code (Okay, maybe to make him feel bad) and he hasn't called me back. God, what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and let him do this to me? Let him control my life and make me abandon my friends? If I talk to Best Friend, Psycho boy gets mad. If I talk to Psycho boy, Best Friend gets mad. I can't ever please anyone. My life is just really suckworthy right now. I don't know how to handle this. I need some way to escape.. I don't know.. damnit, why can't Psycho boy understand? Why can't Best Friend understand? Why do I have to depend on Psycho boy for my life? Why am I holding on to Psycho Boy?

Because I love the bastard.

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Ahhh, the joys of adolescent love.

He hasn't yet messaged me. I guess that means I don't have to have some banal conversation with him, exchanging pleasantries that I don't mean.

Come talk to me in chat. And sign my guestbook so I can have self esteem.

July 25th 2001

Hello, fellow humans. I am currently typing half naked because it is REALLY FUCKING HOT!

Much to my dismay, Chat is not working tonight. I have some major separation anxiety, let me tell you. This means that I can't talk to such people as Astralfrog or Hijinks.

Can you tell I learned how to make links today? Oh yes, I'm the queen of HTML. I am an HTML Goddess! Muahahaha!

Speaking of links, go see Michelle because she's awesome and quite an entertaining person. While you're there, sign her guestbook. And while you're here, sign my guestbook.

Weight Loss Update!

Tonight I did 8 laps around the track. That's TWO miles for all of you at home. I dragged my ass for the last 2 laps or so, but I challenged myself, and I did it. I've been exercising the last week and a half, but I'm not noticing any visible weight loss. I guess I need to be patient, but it's frustrating. I'm eating better and exercising and all that crap, but nothing seems to be happening.

BEING ANONYMOUS

I am enjoying being anonymous on here. I haven't even told anyone my real name, not that it would really matter. In the beginning, I didn't even want to say where I lived, but I did that eventually(That's Denton, TX.) I haven't even told my boyfriend that I'm on here, which is odd for me. But I mean, it's a diary, I'm not going to tell him where it is. I know if he saw this, he'd automatically know it's me, but I really can't see why he ever would find it. So that's good.

I'm starting to wonder why I've become so focused on the whole Psycho Boy thing lately. It happened four years ago! He has been out of my life, for the most part, for four years. And I'm still looking through old diaries and poems and upsetting myself all over again. That doesn't seem to be healthy. I think it's because the summer, and alot of bad stuff with us happened in the summer, but that shouldn't explain it. Maybe I haven't had closure yet or something. Whatever.

Tonight my boyfriend and I had dinner with some of his older friends. Older, as in 40ish. He does this every Wednesday. The topics of tonight were highway construction, high blood pressure, and mortgages. Highly fascinating stuff, let me tell you. Althought I am excited about the new highway that is opening next Tuesday. It always takes no shorter than 45 minutes to get to my boyfriend's house, this highway will cut that time into about 30 minutes. That makes me all tingly inside.

I would like to obsess a bit over Perceptions. Over 1,000 people have him as a favorite, and I just think that's amazing. It's amazing because we can all come together and agree that this one guy is so great, so talented, and so right about everything. It's rare that so many people can say that. I wrote him an email but I guess he gets a million a day, so he hasn't answered or what not. Maybe he didn't answer because I said I wanted him to bear my children. Is that a little stalkerish?

The 17 year old diary entry of the day is from February 17, 1997. Please, enjoy. It's kinda long, so read at your leisure.

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Okay, so Bi Ex Boyfriend called me last night and of course Psycho Boy got mad. I haven't talked to the bastard in 2 years, and he is gay. (Yes, gay.) And Psycho Boy gets mad. We fought for hours about it, we break up(our breaking up is different from other people's), get back together, and other assorted things. Now Bi Ex Boyfriend hates me, and Psycho Boy told me to choose between talking to Bi Ex Boyfriend or going out with Psycho Boy. Damnit, Psycho Boy is a fucking bastard. I haven't fucking talked to Bi Ex Boyfriend in 2 fucking years (Editorial note: I never talked to him again after that. This is one of the things I regret the most about the whole Psycho Boy thing.)! OOOH! HE MAKES ME SO FUCKING MAD!

I love him. Why, sometimes I wonder that myself.

Anyway, today I have the day off from school. A perfect opportunity to be screwing my brains out with Psycho Boy, but my fucking period decides to show up. We were planning on doing the handcuff thing and fucking in every room of the house. Well, not anymore. He could still come over so I could be with him, but I don't think he can because he is working. I have been looking forward to this for like 2 weeks and now he probably can't even come over. The next opportunity we have will be spring break, next month. I can't even take the birth control pills for a month, because of my knee surgery on the 27th.

On Friday, we went to see Star Wars. We didn't see it. Before the movie started, I was on his lap, and it was cool. I was nervous, even though it's the 14th time I've seen him. When he touches me, I just get this feeling that I can't explain. I get it ever time I see him. It's a nice feeling. But anyway, we kissed and stuff and he touched me and I got that feeling. The movie started. (Blah blah blah, lots of slightly pornographic stuff here, the best sex I ever had, blah blah). It was so crazy. God, I love him. But why? Why do I let him do this to me? Is it for the sex? Am I using him for sex? I don't know. I don't think so. I hope not. I used to go out with Best Friend and do fun things. But now I just wait for Psycho Boy to call. I'm even afraid to call Bi Ex Boyfriend because Psycho Boy would be so mad at me. Damnit, what has my life turned into?

I could call Bi Ex Boyfriend right now. But I know that Psycho Boy will ask me if I talked to him. I can't lie. I've lied so muc lately and I don't even know why. I don't want to start anything.

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If you've read this far, thank you. Give me some feedback if you like this or hate it, either in the guestbook or through email, MyMichele79@aol.com.