July 21st 2001

Things that have happened in the past 24 hours:

1. Road trip to College Station/Bryan for high school football games at A&M.

2. Got a speeding ticket

3. Stayed in a motel right next to a jail.

4. Ex boyfriend called when I was with my current boyfriend in the car.

Let me tell you a little story, friends. Once upon a time, I was 16. I was in a junior high history class with one of the only boys that had long hair in my school. And, of course, I had a crush on said boy.

Let's call him Angel boy. Angel boy and I would play the "let's stare at each other during class all day but never speak" game for at least 4 months. He'd ask me how I was doing or whatever, but nothing more than that. Meanwhile, I was bugging my friends to death about how I wanted him. They didn't understand how I would get him if we never talked.

But I knew. Because the thing is, we had chemsitry. Even without talking, the stares we would give each other would say more than talking. He would sit behind me sometimes, and this sounds wierd but when I was 16 it was awesome, he would put his knee against my chair, so it would touch my butt. It was nice. It turned me on way too much.

Anyway, he dropped out of school. Yes, he dropped out of the 9th grade. He was poor and needed to work, so he dropped out and worked at McDonald's. I was sad about that, but I knew in my heart somewhere that I would see him again. I didn't know where or when, but I had a feeling we weren't finished with each other.

I saw him about a month after he dropped out, at the mall. It took all the courage I've ever had, but I sat down and talked to him. It changed my life.

Angel boy came into my life at a time I really needed someone to tell me I was attractive. I had felt ugly all my life, and he told me differently. We didn't do a lot of sexual things, because I think he sensed I wasn't ready. Imagine that, a 17 year old with morals. I was ready to give him anything he wanted, but he never asked for much.

We only went out for a few months, but they were good months. Angel boy is different. He always has been. We have something I've never had with anyone else, a chemistry, something I won't be able to replace. He comes and goes in my life, but I think about him every single day. We once worked together, at a movie theater we used to go to the first time we were together, and I wanted him so bad. I knew he wanted me, but as the assistant manager, it wasn't to be. He started going out with some blond chick a few days after we went to see George of the Jungle together and held hands. It broke my heart.

So, he called me last night. It was a shock, to say the least. It was 9:30 at night, I was in the car with my boyfriend in College Station, and here's Angel boy. My boyfriend said, "So how does it feel to be bootie called by an ex boyfriend?"

I know he wasn't doing that. Because Angel boy has a knack for coming into my life only when I need him the most. And I knew he was calling me so I could have something to look forward to. So I could understand that even when things change, he'd always remember me, and that his feelings towards me are the same they've always been.

I know if I call him tonight, he'll want to see me. I get a little crazy around him, to say the least. I want to do all kinds of things to him, with him, but unfortenetly, I love my boyfriend, so I can't do that without a certain guilty conscience.

I want to call him soon, tonight, but I don't. Because he makes me do funny things. But he also makes me smile, and believe in myself, so it's either call him or spend another night watching TV and playing scrabble.

Thank you for listening.

And I got a speeding ticket. That wasn't good.

I'm going to go think about calling him for a few hours, then I might actually do it.

My stomach hurts.

July 21st 2001

I just finished watching Chasing Amy. I really want to have a crush on Ben Affleck, because he's really talented and attractive, but he looks like my brother, as I've been told by many people, so it's just not right.

And I get to watch Sex and the City now since I'm at my dad's and he's out with the Playboy Bunny. That is good times. It's sad tonight. Miranda's mom died. Boohoo.

Anyway, more about Angel boy. I did call him, and it was kinda hard, but that's okay, because he wasn't there, so I just got to leave a message, which is easier than talking to him anyway.

I failed to mention in the last entry that Angel boy and I hung out twice last year. It was kind ackward because I had gained at least 40 pounds since we dated. But he appeals to me as the type that doesn't care about that. I know, I make him sound perfect, but as long as I keep him at a distance like I have been, he pretty much is.

But the last time I saw him, it got a little kooky. I won't go into what happened, but let's just say, if he intiated something, I would have drug him into my bedroom and done naughty naughty things. But he didn't. And since he already has immortal status in my mind, and has a lot to live up to, I couldn't imagine what would happen if I kept seeing him after that. It was a surreal experience.

Surreal because he lives in my mind, and I think about him everyday, and I hardly ever see him, so when I do I can hardly believe he's there.

Is this making any sense?

Oh holy god, Gone in 60 seconds is on!! Ooooh, baby.

Anyway. This time, I'm going to try to make him a more consistent figure in my life, so I don't keep building him up in my mind. I think it'll drive my boyfriend crazy, but I think that's what we need in our relationship now.

Like I said, Angel boy seems to only be in my life when I need him. And I think I need him right now to rebuild my faith in my current relationship. I call him my Angel because I strongly believe fate brought us together. Why?

Because I wasn't going to go to the mall that day. My mom talked me into it. And why did he go to that mall? He didn't live anywhere near it, and I only went there because my mom worked there.

Because I've seen him at the mall three different times, and each time, it changed my life dramatically. I saw him for the first time, then I saw him when I was on my date with another guy, after we'd been broken up for only a month. He was kissing another girl, and I realized my life with him was over. The third time was after Psycho boy, when my self esteem was at an all time low. That's when I got the job at the movie theater and everything started looking up. I've never seen anyone I know at the mall on three seperate occasions. It's just weird.

I am rambling. I admit that, but it's just nice to know that he's still thinking about me after all these years, and we can still resurrect our friendship even when we don't talk that much. I know he's in my life for a reason, to tempt me and to question myself, but those work for me.

Anyway, as for the rest of my weekend, it was hot. That's all I really need to say to describe it. My boyfriend is obsessed with high school football, and there was a bunch of that going on this weekend for some reason. He had planned to stay there for 2 days and watch all the games, but he ended up staying for a few hours and watching two games. When it's 100 degrees outside, it's hard to sit and watch football.

We had a king sized bed in the hotel room. I must tell you, folks. Before I met him I wasn't aware that there was such thing as bad oral sex. But there is. That's all I have to say about that.

We stayed in a motel. Now, I'm a hotel snob. My boyfriend loves road trips, so we've learned to get some good deals on hotel rooms through Priceline.com. We weren't able to do that, this time, so we got a crappy hotel in Madisonville, TX. So much night life there, let me tell ya. Anyway, the hotel was right next to the city jail. That was comforting.

Anyway, that's my weekend. Football, ex boyfriends, and speeding tickets. Wacky times.

My stomach doesn't hurt anymore, now that I called Angel boy.

I am such a dork. And since it seems to work when I ask nicely, please sign my guestbook. That would be nice of you.