July 16th 2001

I didn't write yesterday because for some reason, my dorm's internet access was down. All I needed to do about that was register for the access again, but that's niether here nor there.

Things I need to do today/this week:

1. Work out/eat better. I can't avoid this any longer; for some reason lately people just can't help themselves from commenting. It would be nice for my clothes to fit again, and it would be nice to walk up the stairs without losing my breath, but wouldn't a nice McDonalds bagel be nice too? No. No more bagels, damnit!

2.Call my friend that just came back from wherever she was for a month - This may not seem so hard, but I have the most horrible phone skills ever. And I HATE calling people! For some reason, it's just really hard for me. This is a relatively new friend, too, so it's not like we've been friends for years and I'm nervous about calling her. I'm just a wacko, is what I am.

3. Look for a job. I need to follow up on the research job I want. I called the guy in charge but that didn't seem to work, since he wasn't there and everything.

These are the main things I need to do today. I don't know why I haven't started doing them yet. I only woke up an hour ago, for fuck's sake! I should not be expected to be functioning yet.

I also need to clean my room and my car. If you saw my room or my car right now, you'd wonder how I could let myself live or drive in such nastyness. And I'd reply, "Because I'm lazy, I have no motivation, and because I can." And then you'd snicker at me and go tell your friends how extremely selfish and lazy I am.

But that's another story, now isn't it?

So yesterday was a pretty freakin good day. What day can't be good when you wake up to your puppy giving you a kiss? Tommorow, or later today, I will put a picture of my puppy in here for you to see. He rocks.

So I took him for a walk in the light rain, which in itself is a miracle. Rain! In July! And then I went to get a chocolate chip bagel. Those things are good.

Then it became slightly chaotic. My dad and I went to the horse races, which is always a good way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

So, MyMichele, do you have a problem with gambling, you might ask, after I've bought several lottery tickets, been to Shreveport, and the horse races, all in a few days.

I could very well have a problem with gambling if I let myself. I brought a certain amount to Shreveport, which was meant to be spent gambling, and I didn't even use all of it. I know from prior experience that gambling, especially Blackjack and other such games, tend to drive me a little crazy. If I lose, I have to win it back. The moment that drives me the most insane is when I have bet my last chip and I have to leave. That feeling sucks, so I try not to have it too much.

Anyway!

"So many people, come walking by, looking so happy, when all I do is cry. I just want to be with somebody too, what I'd give for a kiss, what am I gonna do? Why can't I fall in love! Why must it, it seems so hard to find, why can't I fall in love? I know she's out there waititng, so why, why can't I fall?"

I first heard that song when I was watching Pump up the Volume (Mmmm, young Christian Slater, gimme!), and I dug it. So there it is.

It's always nice to be looking through a pair of pants I haven't worn in a while and find a 5 dollar bill. I enjoy that.

I always think, when I wake up in the middle of the night to go pee, that I'll look in my shower and there will be a dead body. Why I think this, I have no idea.

The IheartAxl ring was going strong for about a day, and now it has faltered. This makes me sad. Come on, people! Where are all the Axl lovers out there?! I know I am not alone!

I must now get started on my day. Thank you for listening.

July 16 2001

I know I wrote in here not even an hour ago, but some things just have to be said.

Dear you,

God, that hurt. Reading your web page, I realize you're not over her, and it hurts, of course it does. I'm trying not to cry, it was my choice to read your web page, my choice to read something I knew would probably mention her and not me.

You never mention me. I know that's how you are. I know our relationship won't truly change until we both make an effort to change our ways. I know all this, and still it hurts to know she's still in your thoughts.

I also know that our relationship is based on experiences. Experiences on which to build on, in which to add to. We have had good times together, good times which made us realize that the love we have for each other exists, and it won't just go away, even if you find that you love someone else.

That being said,this is serious. You still think about her, still miss her. You still wonder what could have happened if you came back from the trip and she was there, waiting for you, instead of telling you what you didn't want to hear. You wonder what could have been. It hurts me in so many ways to know this. It hurts me because you are hurting, and when you are hurt, I feel it. It tears me up to feel it, because what I am feeling is your frustration, anger, sadness, and depression for someone else. It doesn't involve me, and that's what hurts. It's just not right. It was never right, and it hurts.

This relationship has been so hard for me. You expect so much out of me, and when I don't deliver, it hurts you, and sometimes you're tempted to seek out other people. People who live up to your expectations. People who haven't gained 40 pounds since you've started dating them. People who have friends. People who don't fuck up simple directions. People who understand you on an intellectual level. People who have worked as hard as you have and have earned what they received.

I understand that. What I don't understand is you putting your feelings out like that, for everyone to say. What I hate is seeing that on your web page, knowing that everyone who knows you knows about me, knows how long I've been in your life, yet they know you had such strong feelings for someone else. You never talk about me on your web page. You never mention me, you never detail any of our activities, and when you do, you carefully leave out my part.

Don't we have these experiences together? Don't we go through life, living seperately and having our own experiences, yet sharing them together? That is how I see it. That is how I want it to be.

I think I may be blabbering now, but what I have to say is important to me. You probably won't ever see this, even, but it's still important. It's important for you to know that even if you leave me for someone else, and even when I've moved on to another life perhaps, I will always know what you've done for me. I will always remember how even when I was in my worst times, and even though you'd sometimes be cruel to get me out of them, you did get me out of them, and you made me a better person because of it.

I know it frustrates you that the things I really want in life, I'm too lazy to achieve. When you met me, I had friends, I had a job, I had a life. Somewhere in the mix, the friends went away, I quit the job, I stopped caring about my weight, I stopped caring because I knew you would still be there.

And yes, you still are here, but you're unhappy, and it makes me so fucking mad that I do this to you. And myself. I know that's there so many things I can do to change it, and yet I don't.

I want to fight for you. During the weekend we got back from the trip, and you didn't call me or didn't message me, I wanted to come to your house and fight. I knew in my heart I was about to be dumped, and I didn't think it was right. Because we aren't finished. We have so many things to experience together, still. We have so many feelings to be had, some good, and some bad. We still have goals to accomplish and movies to see and road trips to go on and houses to be built and dogs to be had and football games to go to and tacos to be made and hands to be held. I see you in my future. I see so many things for us, I really do, and it kills me that I am single handedly ruining it by not accomplishing the goals we've set for each other.

I tried to explain this all to my friend on the phone a few minutes ago, but I didn't explain it right, and she was confused. She didn't understand why I would still want to be here. Most people don't. But I know. I know I love you, and I know I want to fight for us, and I know that fighting for us means I have to not be lazy, and make the bad things in my life better, so that we can one day have a life together were you aren't looking for someone else to fix you where I broke you.

I shouldn't have read your web page. But I can't live in denial. I need to know that you still think about what could have happened with her, because that hurts me, and things that hurt me make me want to change.

I have stopped crying as I type this. I don't think it's right to cry over something that's already been cried over. I love you, and I want the experiences, good or bad. You know I saw what you wrote, because I told you that I liked it, and that it was pretty. That is all I said because I know if I said anything else, you'd get mad, and then you wouldn't think I was trying to get my shit together. I am trying.

I will try even harder now that I realize what needs to be done if I want to have more experiences with you.

July 16 2001

Come on, people. Isn't that just the cutest fucking puppy you've ever seen?

As you can tell from the last entry, I haven't had the greatest day. I wake up and read his web page, which hasn't been a good idea as of late, because he talks about her a lot. I'm so tired of thinking about that shit. So the fuck what if he liked some other chick? Who fucking cares anymore? If he dumped me, I'd be really depressed for like maybe 3 months, I'd be sad for a year, I'd think about him whenever any song that has been played at all for the last 4 years is on, and I'll get over it. I'll find love somewhere else, someone who actually loves me the way I want to be loved, someone who actually acknowledges me after four fucking years. Four fucking years, people, and he still reconstructs stories on his web site that I had a part in, yet does he mention me? No. No, he doesn't.

I hate talking about him like that because it sounds like he's a total asshole. He does things for me that no one has ever really cared to do. You know what? I'm not going to defend him. I'm just not. He doesn't deserve it tonight.

Thank you, everyone who signed my guestbook today. I appreciate your words of encouragement and such.

I'm done crying tonight.

I'm thinking of telling my pervert friend about this diary. I know she'll see what I've said about her, but I think that might be good. It might be nice to have at least one person I know reading it. But then that would shatter my anonomyity thing that I'm kinda digging. What do you guys suggest? Does that kind of stuff work out for you?

I haven't been with a female in almost 3 years. That, my friends, is way too long. Let me describe for you the females I have been with.

1. Perv girl - the first. I told her I had feelings for her the day before an Aerosmith concert (that doesn't have anything to do with it, but that's just how I remember it.) She didn't freak out. It took like almost 2 years but eventually she returned my affections. It turned into about a month of us doing stuff, mostly with her boyfriend, and then after I told her I was in love with her and all this shit, she basically said that she loved her boyfriend and was just kinda using me to see what it would be like to be with a chick.

George Carlin is on Conan tonight! OOooh Yeah!

2. Younger girl - she was my boyfriend's friend. God, how gorgoues was she? I was mesmerized in her presence. She was a few years younger than me, and I think that kinda affected the situation. I wanted her so bad. I got to kiss her and kinda feel her up, but that was about it.

3. Snake girl - I met her on IRC. I told her what I wanted, she came over, we engaged in some dirty activities, and she went on her way. I never talked to her again. It made me feel dirty, but I was curious, and she showed me what it was like. SHe had a tongue ring and a tattoo of a snake on her vagina. Ohkay then.

4. jewlrey girl - I met her through my ex boyfriend. She dated him before me. One night I was drunk and I professed my love to her. We only did stuff one night, and it was really nice, but it freaked her out. Most of the girls I've been with have been good friends who just aren't into the whole thing like I was. So usually I just get hurt.

5. Drunk girl - my boyfriend's best friend. We had an interesting three way when we were all drunk. It was only that one time.

One time, one time. I want lots of times without worrying about what the other person thinks. Oh well.

So I feel quite productive today. Being angry sure does help sometimes. I worked out like.. alot. I looked for a job, but didn't find one. I don't want a job, so I probably won't be able to get one. I ate Subway and that's all. I managed to stay away from the Mcdonalds. For the first time, really, I didn't feel like going to Jack in the Box or anything. I want to lose weight, damnit.

Here's the dog again:

I'll write another entry when I wake up tommorow, because I like writing. And by then, dumbass boyfriend would have read my email and would have replied and I'm sure I'll have something to say about that.

July 16th 2001

I know I wrote in here not even an hour ago, but some things just have to be said.

Dear you,

God, that hurt. Reading your web page, I realize you're not over her, and it hurts, of course it does. I'm trying not to cry, it was my choice to read your web page, my choice to read something I knew would probably mention her and not me.

You never mention me. I know that's how you are. I know our relationship won't truly change until we both make an effort to change our ways. I know all this, and still it hurts to know she's still in your thoughts.

I also know that our relationship is based on experiences. Experiences on which to build on, in which to add to. We have had good times together, good times which made us realize that the love we have for each other exists, and it won't just go away, even if you find that you love someone else.

That being said,this is serious. You still think about her, still miss her. You still wonder what could have happened if you came back from the trip and she was there, waiting for you, instead of telling you what you didn't want to hear. You wonder what could have been. It hurts me in so many ways to know this. It hurts me because you are hurting, and when you are hurt, I feel it. It tears me up to feel it, because what I am feeling is your frustration, anger, sadness, and depression for someone else. It doesn't involve me, and that's what hurts. It's just not right. It was never right, and it hurts.

This relationship has been so hard for me. You expect so much out of me, and when I don't deliver, it hurts you, and sometimes you're tempted to seek out other people. People who live up to your expectations. People who haven't gained 40 pounds since you've started dating them. People who have friends. People who don't fuck up simple directions. People who understand you on an intellectual level. People who have worked as hard as you have and have earned what they received.

I understand that. What I don't understand is you putting your feelings out like that, for everyone to say. What I hate is seeing that on your web page, knowing that everyone who knows you knows about me, knows how long I've been in your life, yet they know you had such strong feelings for someone else. You never talk about me on your web page. You never mention me, you never detail any of our activities, and when you do, you carefully leave out my part.

Don't we have these experiences together? Don't we go through life, living seperately and having our own experiences, yet sharing them together? That is how I see it. That is how I want it to be.

I think I may be blabbering now, but what I have to say is important to me. You probably won't ever see this, even, but it's still important. It's important for you to know that even if you leave me for someone else, and even when I've moved on to another life perhaps, I will always know what you've done for me. I will always remember how even when I was in my worst times, and even though you'd sometimes be cruel to get me out of them, you did get me out of them, and you made me a better person because of it.

I know it frustrates you that the things I really want in life, I'm too lazy to achieve. When you met me, I had friends, I had a job, I had a life. Somewhere in the mix, the friends went away, I quit the job, I stopped caring about my weight, I stopped caring because I knew you would still be there.

And yes, you still are here, but you're unhappy, and it makes me so fucking mad that I do this to you. And myself. I know that's there so many things I can do to change it, and yet I don't.

I want to fight for you. During the weekend we got back from the trip, and you didn't call me or didn't message me, I wanted to come to your house and fight. I knew in my heart I was about to be dumped, and I didn't think it was right. Because we aren't finished. We have so many things to experience together, still. We have so many feelings to be had, some good, and some bad. We still have goals to accomplish and movies to see and road trips to go on and houses to be built and dogs to be had and football games to go to and tacos to be made and hands to be held. I see you in my future. I see so many things for us, I really do, and it kills me that I am single handedly ruining it by not accomplishing the goals we've set for each other.

I tried to explain this all to my friend on the phone a few minutes ago, but I didn't explain it right, and she was confused. She didn't understand why I would still want to be here. Most people don't. But I know. I know I love you, and I know I want to fight for us, and I know that fighting for us means I have to not be lazy, and make the bad things in my life better, so that we can one day have a life together were you aren't looking for someone else to fix you where I broke you.

I shouldn't have read your web page. But I can't live in denial. I need to know that you still think about what could have happened with her, because that hurts me, and things that hurt me make me want to change.

I have stopped crying as I type this. I don't think it's right to cry over something that's already been cried over. I love you, and I want the experiences, good or bad. You know I saw what you wrote, because I told you that I liked it, and that it was pretty. That is all I said because I know if I said anything else, you'd get mad, and then you wouldn't think I was trying to get my shit together. I am trying.

I will try even harder now that I realize what needs to be done if I want to have more experiences with you.